And a little fish named Bo
by Hikari Hrair-rah
Summary: Slight AU. What difference would a mistake make? A different assumption on the Kyuubi's sealing sends Naruto spiraling towards a completely different future...but some things may never change. No pairings as of yet. ON HIATUS
1. First Chapter

Behold! Proof that I am not just some two-bit humor writer and non-serious-fic-finisher!

So, here I am in the Naruto section, with this brand-spanking new fic! I can't promise quick updates, but...

Yeah, well, I've been twitching on this idea for a while now and it was really starting to bug me...(sigh) I'll do my best!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto

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Many obvious things made Konohagakure-no-Sato of Fire Country exceptional amongst the Five Great Shinobi Villages. Aside from those concerned with the strength of Konoha's ninja – and there was no shortage of those – there was one other thing. This thing was the prejudice the village had against a single member of its own.

Almost twelve years previously, Konohagakure-no-Sato had been at a new, nigh unheard of peak of prosperity and power. The Yondaime Hokage ruled his village wisely, the last war had filled the ranks of shinobi with experienced individuals whose power would make any new war a trifling annoyance for Konoha – or so the village preferred to think – and all signs pointed to a new boom of growth, material and otherwise.

Then the Kyuubi-no-Yoko decimated Konoha.

The attack was continuous, lasting less than a full week long as the Kyuubi ripped the village's foundations out from underneath it. In that time, the demon barely moved more than two or three steps towards the center of the village – understandable, as movement was unnecessary for a monster with long tails that could trigger earthquakes and inland tidal waves AT THE SAME TIME. Konoha's population of experienced, war-hardened ninja dropped by two-thirds before the end.

On the last day, which was incidentally October 12th, Yondaime Hokage ended the battle. With the use of a lost jutsu and a complicated ritual that no one would ever clearly understand afterwards, the Yondaime drained the Kyuubi of its demonic chakra, weakening the monster until he could destroy it himself. The ritual had worked just enough to leave the monster and the ninja even, and in a blindingly bright flash of light, Yondaime and Kyuubi were no more. Picking through what was left afterwards, the Sandaime Hokage – returning graciously from his well-earned retirement to retake the reins of his battered village – made an important discovery.

Screaming its lungs out, right where Yondaime had made his final stand, was a newborn infant. It was laying right smack in the middle of a circle of artifacts used for focusing chakra in rituals – not any more, they had been ripped to pieces by the backwash of demon chakra – and on the infant's stomach was a fresh tattoo. Sandaime wasted no time in making his announcement.

Yondaime had been a brilliant shinobi. He had known perfectly well that there was no point in trying to drain the Kyuubi of its chakra without having somewhere for the chakra to _go_. A newborn infant, with its own chakra coils undeveloped and unfocused, would be the perfect repository. The whisker-like marks on the baby's cheeks only proved Sandaime's words, and helped him further in his case. The baby was calmed, fed, and cleaned up at the same time as its future was decided: this baby was Yondaime's Legacy. He would be noted as a hero in his own right, for it was his tiny body that had accepted the demonic chakra, assisting Yondaime in his plan to stop the monster and save the village.

It was amazing how stupidly optimistic the human race could be sometimes.

…


	2. Second Chapter

I don't like how this turned out, but I'll post it anyway. And before you all ask, yes, Naruto is supposed to talk like that.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto

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Umino Iruka, Chuunin-sensei to a class of pre-Genin students, kept his eyes –physical and mental – peeled as the class quietly worked. This test wasn't one of the more important ones, but it was the job of a ninja instructor, as odd as it sounded, to make certain the students knew how to cheat well. Iruka doubted his students would understand this, especially after years of having the idea of shinobi honor pounded into their little heads, but spying was half the job requirement.

Most of them were either cheating well enough to ignore or not doing so at all: Haruno Sakura, a pink-haired girl on the far left side of the classroom, was scribbling especially fast. The other students were taking a far more relaxed approach; Nara Shikamaru was actually asleep, either having finished early (a possibility) or having found the whole test too troublesome to bother with (a more likely possibility). And then there was…Naruto.

Uzumaki Naruto was…a special case. Filled with demonic chakra on the day of his birth, almost twelve full years ago, Naruto had originally been known as Yondaime's Legacy. The few foster families that had time and energy to spare for a small infant had treated the boy as a treasured reminder of their fallen Hokage. But as the work of rebuilding the village continued, a few people became concerned. The baby had demon chakra inside him – chakra from one of the strongest demons to ever roam the world – and who knew what having it could do to a baby's mind and soul?

Things had gone downhill from there. Somehow, the villagers had gotten it into their heads that having all that Kyuubi chakra inside his body had turned Naruto at least partly into a demon himself. Certainly, he was important. But he was also potentially dangerous. Foster families started making excuses to pass the boy to some other family as soon as they could, to make him someone else's responsibility.

'Potentially dangerous' became 'a threat to the innocent' around the time Naruto turned three years old. Foster families stopped taking him in altogether. If the Hokage forced one of them to let Naruto inside their house, the family would kick him back out as soon as they could, and make Naruto stay outside until he was removed from their property. This kept up until Sandaime finally conceded and took the boy to live in the group orphanage. Iruka hadn't heard anything definite about Naruto's treatment there, which was probably for the best – it was frowned on for ninja to murder civilians inside their own village, even in retribution.

Iruka had first met Naruto when the boy was just past five years old. Iruka had found the boy purely by accident and in the barest nick of time to save the undersized child's life. After climbing a fence, Naruto had lost his balance and fallen into a yard where old scrap metal from the businesses of Konoha was thrown away. The stuff was only carted away every six months or so, and Naruto, his arm caught tight in some of the metal and his cries for help unheard and unheeded, had been there almost two. Iruka had rescued the boy almost before recognizing him, but Iruka had never been one to hold the same prejudices as others in the village did. His parents had willingly given the Yondaime their lives in defense against the Kyuubi, so how could anyone fault a child for involuntarily giving up his future to do the same?

…And now Naruto, seven years later, was calmly writing something all over his test paper, not bothering to stay inside any of the answer boxes, right in front of Iruka's eyes. Naruto's tongue was sticking out a little in his concentrations, outlining one of the boy's oversized canines. Judging from the flushed and embarrassed looks on his neighbors' faces when they tried to get answers from Naruto's sheet, the little gaki was probably drawing some sort of elaborate dirty picture. Iruka pushed his hitai-ate up enough to rub his forehead with his knuckles, resisting the urge to whip out a Katon jutsu then and there. Certainly, Naruto had had hard times in his life – but how that had turned the almost-twelve-year-old into a little pervert, Iruka would never know. He still planned to kill whoever had introduced Naruto to the idea as slowly and painfully as possible.

Eventually, it was the end of the day. The students left their papers in an untidy pile on his desk – except for Shikamaru, whose test Iruka had to retrieve himself. After finishing the rest of the day's busywork, Iruka got exactly halfway back to his apartment before a laughing gaki rudely attached himself to his back.

"Hey, hey, 'Ruka-sensei!"

"Hey yourself," Iruka said, taking a few awkward steps to adjust his balance.

There was no point telling Naruto to get off. This had been routine for years now, and Iruka could only hope that Naruto would grow out of the habit before he grew tall enough to crush Iruka's spine. Even though the boy had spent his life undersized, there was no telling what sort of growth spurt puberty would bring.

Iruka received a mix of pitying looks, angry stares, and confused double takes as he kept walking, Naruto clinging to his back and cheerfully chattering about the cool thing that he had seen Shino do during the lunch break.

"And there were all these BUGS, and Shino made'em do tricks – is Shino gonna open a bug circus? That would be so cool…"

Later, Iruka sat down to grade papers. Naruto, who still hadn't left yet, propped himself against Iruka's leg and began playing a game with a small rubber ball he had gotten from somewhere. Iruka was used to it – Naruto had had his own apartment for several years now, but half the time stayed over at Iruka's. Iruka didn't mind.

"Are you going to stay over the whole night, Naruto?" Iruka asked as he rummaged in his case for the tests from this afternoon.

"Yup," nodded the boy, bumping his head deliberately against Iruka's leg, "If Naruto goes away, 'Ruka-nii won't have anybody to keep 'im company!"

"I see," Iruka said, pulling out the tests at last and glancing at the one on top -

Only to slap both hands across his face a second later in order to try and control a ferocious nosebleed. Naruto's artistic streak had manifested itself as a elaborate and VERY detailed portrait of a group of naked women at a hot spring, and the pervert that had influenced Naruto was going to pay DEARLY for his crimes!

Naruto snatched up his artwork in seconds, and when Iruka got his blood flow back under control, lasted two seconds before laughing uproariously at his teacher's flustered expression.

"Naruto's really really sorry 'bout that, 'Ruka-nii," Naruto apologized as soon as he stopped laughing.

Then he beamed with a wide fox-grin.

"Naruto forgot 'Ruka-nii likes _guuuuuuuys!_"

Iruka flushed even redder and Naruto yelped as a punch clipped the back of his head. It didn't do a thing to dampen Naruto's smile – he was used to Iruka by now, and accepted the occasional blow to the head as a punishment for his practical jokes and pranks. Especially since Iruka usually had other things on hand to retaliate with…

One day, when Naruto was nine, Iruka had been cracking eggs and making breakfast. The Chuunin had been minding his own business, completely unsuspecting…and when a gorgeous naked blonde woman – a very WELL-ENDOWNED gorgeous naked blonde woman, in fact – had jumped him in his own kitchen…Iruka's blood had coated the walls, and not from any battle wounds.

Naruto had apologized on the spot. As the slightly-woozy-but-mollified Chuunin had been just about to accept the apology, Naruto had added that he hadn't realized Iruka swung _that way_ and that next time, Naruto would be sure to transform into a sexy _guy_ instead. Naruto had been picking eggshells out of his hair for a week afterwards, but had yet to let Iruka live it down.

Iruka glared at Naruto kept grinning, trying to look innocent. The fox-face Naruto presented the world with didn't do innocent very well.

Finally, Iruka turned back to the tests, only to discover the foul picture had vanished. In its place lay another test paper, also signed by Naruto, and completed using the boy's absolutely worst handwriting. Iruka signed to himself – Naruto wasn't an idiot, as much fun as he had pretending to be. Naruto just didn't care about things that didn't seem practical, like written work. Iruka had told himself over and over during the years of teaching the boy. And Naruto really wasn't an idiot, but he wasn't the best student either. In fact, Naruto had almost as hard time dealing with the other parts of shinobi education, especially the parts that involved dealing with his own chakra.

Naruto's native chakra and the demonic chakra had mixed potently, and the boy had high stamina and enormous reserves. Unfortunately, no one had dared try to teach Naruto how to control his power, and it crippled him in ninjutsu. Iruka had done the best he could, but Naruto's level was so high that the point where the chakra got too dense to compress was too high for basic jutsu – when the chakra WOULD compress that far. Techniques using a light chakra flow were beyond Naruto's grasp, and in desperation Iruka had gone and begged Sandaime for help.

Sandaime had found an odd solution: if Naruto was too powerful to do Genin-level jutsu, then he should try learning higher-level jutsu instead. To that end, Sandaime had let Naruto have carefully monitored access to top-level jutsu, including a peek at the Shodaime Hokage's Scroll of Seals.

This was the reason he didn't have any help in the classroom anymore, Iruka recalled as he worked his way through the pile of tests. Mizuki, the other Chuunin-sensei for the class, had learned about the scrolls Naruto was getting access to, and had gotten either jealous or power-hungry or both. Two years ago, Mizuki had quietly stolen the Scroll of Seals, hidden it on the outskirts of the village, and publicly accused Naruto of stealing it. Iruka had gotten in trouble as well, blamed for showing the 'little monster' where the valuable scroll had been, and it might have ended very badly had one of the less-prejudiced Jounin not stumbled across Mizuki as he was hiding the scroll. The Jounin had brought the scroll back and explained what he had seen, and Iruka had suffered a shuriken to the spine when Mizuki retaliated, knowing he couldn't escape his punishment but wanting to do some damage anyway. Mizuki had suffered multiple skull fractures when Naruto retaliated back.

Well, that was ancient history now. Iruka listened to Naruto humming to himself happily on the floor as he reached for the last test in the pile. Next week was graduation week, and while Naruto probably could have graduated with a higher class last year, Naruto had asked to stay with his age-mates. It was true that they seemed a little less utterly intimidated by the possibly-demonic boy's presence…Iruka just hoped for the best.

…


	3. Third Chapter

Shodaime translates as 'The First". As in, Shodaime Hokage First Hokage. Nidaime, Sandaime, Yondaime, Godaime...those are Hokages Two through Five.

Please feel free to ask questions. There's a reason I'm attempting fact-based fiction. Knowledge is power!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto

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Many people thought Naruto had grown up stupid, since he gone without having any parents. They were wrong. They were the stupid ones.

Naruto was no genius, no prodigy, but when it came to the world around him, he _paid attention_. He had to, because there was no one to do it for him.

Those others, they had parents and lots of relatives around. They depended on all those other people to pay attention for them. That was why they were stupid.

The only trouble was that Naruto paid attention too well sometimes. Then he had to waste time digging around inside his head, trying to find the important thing that needed to be focused on, while the stupid ones laughed to themselves about how slow he was. Or else they reacted like Iruka-nii-sensei did, freaking out about the pictures and stuff. Honestly, if somebody who killed people for a living didn't properly understand the human body, how could they do their job? Maybe parents didn't want their kids exposed to the real world, but then why did they let them become ninja at all?

Speaking of parents, Naruto wondered for the billionth time, who were his? No one knew. Iruka-nii-sensei said that 'Uzumaki' was his clan name, but Iruka-nii-sensei had also admitted that the Uzumaki clan was a 'catchall' clan, and people whose families were unknown were assigned to join the clan, even though none of them were ever actually related. So he could be anyone.

'I just hope I'm not from a clan of stupid, stuck-up idiots,' Naruto told himself.

While Naruto was busily contemplating all this inside his head, the rest of the class was buzzing with excitement. Graduation week was almost over, and everyone seemed confident that they would pass. The first day they had been tested in taijutsu, the next day in spying and trap making, the day after that in basic shinobi knowledge and genjutsu, and today was the test for ninjutsu. A few students who had transferred into the class at the last minute to graduate early had already failed: when you failed, you didn't find out until you didn't get called out the next day for the next test.

And now Iruka-nii-sensei was coming back in, the last student – Uchi-something – following, him and his shiny new hitai-ate getting cheered at by almost all the girls in class. Iruka-nii-sensei looked at his roster.

"Uzumaki Naruto," Iruka-nii-sensei said, "See me after the testing has completed. Yamanaka Ino, follow me to the testing room."

The Yamanaka girl got up to follow Iruka-nii-sensei, leaving the rest of the class blinking stupidly. No one got told that. Sure, none of them were all that fond of the creepy fox-kid, but what was going on?

Eventually, the consensus was that Naruto had failed the genjutsu and knowledge test. They had all expected it anyway, he was so strange and creepy and just _look_ how he treated Iruka-sensei, but the graduation was done by other Chuunin-sensei so no wonder the non-studious half-demonic fox-boy had failed.

'Like I said, totally stupid,' Naruto told himself, and taking a page from Shikamaru's book, he put his head down on the desk and decided to catch up on some sleep.

Less than ten minutes later, Iruka-nii-sensei was poking his shoulder and telling Naruto to follow him. Naruto yawned lazily and stretched, just like he'd seen a cat do once, before following Iruka-nii-sensei down the hall and up to the third floor.

"Naruto, I want you to know that whatever happens, I know you are a great ninja and I'm proud of you," Iruka-nii-sensei was saying.

Naruto only let himself frown a little - though nobody watching would be able to tell the difference between a frown and his usual impassive fox-face. Iruka-nii-sensei was nervous. Why? Naruto knew there were people in the village that were scared of him, and intellectually Naruto knew being that feared was a bad thing. But there were also some who hated him, who said he was just like the demon whose chakra was inside him, and that he should have been killed long ago. Were those people interfering in his graduation? He _had_ been called 'Kyuubi's Spawn' just yesterday afternoon…

Iruka-nii-sensei lead him to a big pair of double doors. Inside the doors was a very large room, with a chalkboard on the far wall. The only furniture was a desk by the chalkboard, and some chairs along the two other walls. These chairs, Naruto noted uncomfortably, were all filled with ninja. There were twenty seated in total, some with masks shaped like animals, and the rest had round masks like faces. Naruto didn't need half a brain to figure out that all these ninja were here because of him.

Sitting behind the desk were a bunch of old people. One really old guy was wearing a really big red and white hat that said 'Fire', and the others looked like fat old rich guys who were never shinobi in their lives.

"I have brought him, Hokage-sama," Iruka-nii-sensei said, bowing nervously to the old guy with the big hat.

"Thank you, Iruka-sensei. If you would stand over here…"

The old guy with the big hat pointed to a corner of the room by the desk, where some other Chuunin was standing, and with a last nervous glance Iruka-nii-sensei went to go stand there. Inwardly, Naruto was frowning quite a bit. Old-hat-guy was the Hokage? A _lot_ of people must not want a new ninja named Uzumaki Naruto to exist today.

"Naruto, if you would please step a little closer?"

Old-big-hat-Hokage was being very nice and polite, so Naruto obligingly went to stand in the middle of the room. He didn't miss the unhappy looks the old guys were giving Old-big-hat-Hokage or the confused motions the masked ninjas were making now, either.

"How are you, Naruto?" Old-big-hat-Hokage asked unexpectedly.

One of the other old guys muttered, complaining that who cared about the well-being of some stupid demon. Naruto used one of his less-nice smiles – one that made the fangs stick out more – and addressed the whiny old guy.

"Naruto is not sick, and his hearing and brains work pretty good too, so Naruto must be fine, neh?"

The whiny old guy went kind of pale, after he realized that he had been overheard. Naruto didn't blame him for being surprised, of course. His senses had always been better than other people's. Instead of being upset, Old-big-hat-Hokage smiled.

"Well Naruto," Old-big-hat-Hokage said, still being very nice and polite, "Do you understand why your ninjutsu exam is going to be held in this room?"

Naruto hesitated. There was a legitimate reason for this weirdness? Well, if you really _thought_ about it…

"Is it because Naruto had to study all the weirdo jutsu?" Naruto asked.

"Correct," said the Old-big-hat-Hokage with a smile, "As they are not normal Genin skills, we felt some of our more advanced shinobi should be the ones to evaluate you. The council was very curious about what you could do, and wanted to see you for themselves. Do you agree to take the exam with these conditions?"

Naruto gave Old-big-hat-Hokage a full-fanged grin, one that made ALL the other old guys look like they were about to shit themselves.

"Why not?"

Old-big-hat-Hokage smiled back, not intimidated in the least, and waved, indicating that the Chuunin in the corner – not Iruka-nii-sensei, the other one – should begin the testing.

Because of, or perhaps in spite of the serious interference that someone had pulled off, Iruka noted as the testing took place, Naruto was currently passing with flying colors. Following Sandaime's instructions – instructions the rest of the council couldn't seem to overturn, though they looked like they desperately wanted to – the jutsu Naruto was being tested on were the standard basics; Henge, Kawarimi, and Bunshin.

When the tester asked for the Bunshin, Naruto gave the man a look that clearly stated 'Who the hell dropped YOU on your head a baby?' before trying very hard to perform the jutsu. Interestingly, Naruto did manage to make a clone this time – a deformed, wavering, fish-eyed clone, but it _was_ a clone…sort of.

Naruto waited for the faltering Bunshin to dissipate before performing his personal alternative, an exclusive kinjutsu from the Scroll of Seals: Kage Bunshin. The watching ANBU and Hunter-nin murmured interest as Naruto proceeded to demonstrate his mastery of the jutsu and the durability of his clones by starting a small fistfight between the six of them. After that, and with slight prompting from Sandaime, Naruto agreed to demonstrate one other advanced jutsu.

Using his three remaining Kage Bunshin as props, Naruto proceeded to demonstrate a startling mastery of a Raiton jutsu that Iruka had never heard of before. Whatever it was, it temporarily generated an electrical field around Naruto's body, and when two of the clones attempted to dog-pile him, they _bamphed_ into nothingness with startled yelps of pain. Naruto then proceeded to recast the jutsu, focusing it only around his hands, and punched the last clone. It blocked successfully, but still _bamphed_ out.

With the display over, and Naruto not looking like he was about to drop dead of chakra exhaustion, the councilors sitting beside the Hokage started looking very nervous. The assembled elite shinobi, however, looked impressed. They were all professionals, and respected genuine ability whenever they saw it.

"Very impressive. I believe there will be no further complaints about the boy's graduation, then?" Sandaime said, "Excellent. And we do have a hitai-ate here for our new Genin…?"

The Chuunin who had been testing Naruto shifted uncomfortably where he stood.

"I was informed that there would be no need for one to be brought, Hokage-sama," the unfortunate Chuunin admitted, glancing at one of the council members sitting by Sandaime.

Iruka actually felt himself growl. Of all the insulting things for such lowlifes to do…the council members looked very nervous, and Iruka realized that they were the ones to 'inform' the assembled ninja that there was no way for Naruto to pass. In hindsight, the reason all these elite ninja were here at all was that the council had feared Naruto would do something demonic to them if he were denied something he wanted.

Naruto had picked up on this as well, and to one as familiar with him as Iruka was, looked singularly dejected. Quite impulsively, Iruka stepped forward, hands reaching for his own hitai-ate. Unfastening it quickly, he handed it to Naruto, who stared blankly back for a moment before taking a tight grip on it.

"Congratulations on your graduation, shinobi of Leaf."

Iruka had never heard anyone say the ritual words with such intensity before, and it was almost surprising to listen to the sounds and recognize the voice saying them as his own. Naruto was certainly unnerved; he barely managed to stutter a 'thank-you' before turning and darting out the double doors.

Once he was outside the testing room, Naruto paused to collect his wits, which seemed to have fled for different countries at this point. The testing had been weird, definitely not normal, and afterwards…if it was a big insult not to have a hitai-ate available for a graduating student, then what did giving the student your _own_ off your own _head_ mean?

Inside the room, Naruto could hear several annoyed voices arguing, including Iruka-nii-sensei's. After a minute, though, there were some footsteps and the doors opened, Iruka-nii-sensei stepping out. He paused; apparently surprised to see Naruto was standing there, before stepping close enough to put a hand on the boy's shoulder.

"You know, you're supposed to wear that on your head, Naruto, not on your hand," Iruka-nii-sensei said.

Naruto had to ask. This was one of the big goals, and being here felt so unreal – he had to be _absolutely sure_...

"Are…are you really giving me this, Iruka-sensei?"

Iruka frowned a little. All of this nonsense must have shaken Naruto up quite a bit for his speech habits to falter like that.

"You know, Naruto…" Iruka thought about what he was going to say, decided it sounded kind of pompous, and instead continued, "Now that you've graduated, you aren't really supposed to call me 'sensei' anymore."

Naruto seemed to take this in…and without any further warning Iruka was suddenly and violently tackled in the midsection.

"Lookit lookit 'Ruka-nii! 'Ruka-nii, Naruto kicked that exam's ASS 'Ruka-nii! Now 'Ruka-nii's just GOTTA take Naruto out for a ramen feast, 'Ruka-nii! He's just GOTTA!"

"Calm down!" Iruka laughed, trying to pry Naruto off while maneuvering them both down the hallway and away from a room still full of ANBU and Hunter-nin, "Don't get so ahead of yourself. Graduation means I have to stay and do a lot of paperwork, so…"

Naruto made a very loud and very clear sound of distress.

"…So I have to hurry if I'm going to get you to Ichiraku at a decent hour," Iruka conceded, already experiencing phantom pains from his poor wallet.

Much as Iruka expected, he was completely broke once he finally persuaded Naruto to head back home. With a few more utterances of 'paperwork', Iruka even managed to get Naruto to head for his own apartment, though whether the little gaki would calm down enough to sleep before next week was anyone's guess.

…


	4. Fourth Chapter

Wow. You people actually _like_ this fic? I am actually amazed.

...Dang. This means I might be pressured to update more often now. How troublesome.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto

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… 

Pushing his killing intent as far as it would go, Naruto glared down at his mortal enemy.

Understandably, the inanimate piece of paper ignored the glare, totally unaffected.

Naruto fumed silently as he rummaged for a working pen. The paperwork had won this round, but next time, ooh yes, next time that nasty waste of a tree was going DOWN!

'Darn you, Iruka-nii!' Naruto thought, 'Tricking me into doing stupid paperwork! You're going to be giving me a whole lot of ramen for putting me through this torture!'

Satisfied with his little vengeful rant – although Naruto would never want or let anything REALLY bad to ever happen to his Iruka-nii if he could help it – Naruto turned back to the evil paperwork.

'_Genin-level Shinobi Registration Form_', it said.

Annoyed, Naruto filled out the form, but not without taking creative vengeance. When it asked for '_Family Contact_', Naruto crossed that out, wrote '**_Next of Kin_**' over it, and answered '_**Umino Iruka**_'. Might as well be honest!

Naruto finished the form, then looked it over again, wanting to make sure it was presentable enough that Iruka-nii wouldn't make him redo it.

'_Eye Color_' was blank.

Naruto frowned, then turned towards the mirror in the corner. With a grimace, Naruto opened his eyes wide. He left them open for a split-second before closing them again, just as soon as he was certain of the color. Blue, right.

Naruto honestly couldn't say why he disliked his eyes. They were perfectly normal human eyes and all…they just made him feel uncomfortable. It was weird, but hey, he'd kept everybody from seeing them for years and years now, and in a shinobi village, that was almost impossible, right? Naruto just didn't want people seeing his eyes, that was all. His eyes were nobody's damn business.

In fact, the only person who Naruto didn't mind seeing his eyes was Iruka-nii. Of course, Iruka-nii WAS Iruka-nii. He was Naruto's important person, a special exception from the rest of the world…

Naruto scribbled out the '**_blu_**' that he had written down so far, and put '_**None of your business**_' instead. Hah! The paperwork had tried its hardest, but Naruto had survived its hideous torture! In your FACE, Iruka-nii!

On the other side of Konoha, Iruka sneezed twice, without warning. Naruto must be filling out his registration form now, the academy Chuunin thought with a chuckle. And if Naruto was serious enough to do the work without Iruka hovering over him, then it was up to Iruka to give Naruto the best team he could.

Sooner than any of them really expected, the thirty graduates of Iruka's class were back in their old classroom. But unlike any of the previous times any of them had been in there, Iruka was not there to teach.

"Now that you are all Genin," Iruka told his former students, "You will be divided into three-man squads and placed under the command of a Jounin. Your Jounin-sensei will do their best to guide you to your fullest skill as shinobi of our village. Each squad is set up to have a balance of strengths and abilities that will help you to succeed in your missions."

Iruka began reading the list of squads, and tried to pretend to be oblivious as to what the kunoichi population of the class was doing. Or rather, who they were goggling.

Uchiha Sasuke was sitting as stiffly as he could, looking like he was trying to project killing intent into the girls so they would leave him alone. That hadn't worked in the past, but today Sasuke seemed to have a slight defense…the last of the Uchiha clan had chosen a seat at the end of the row, and Naruto was sitting in the only seat next to him. Shikamaru was asleep in the other seat next to Naruto, and Naruto himself looked like he was off somewhere in his own little dream world.

Only slightly deterred by the double wall of completely uninterested male ninja, there were kunoichi crowding the seats above and below that row, and up in the far corner Iruka could hear Sakura and Ino squabbling again. They were arguing over which of them 'deserved' to be in Sasuke's group, with some heckling from the other girls from the lower row.

"Now Squad Seven," Iruka read, "Hyuuga Hinata."

Shy Hinata, the only girl in the classroom not trying to reach Sasuke at the moment (actually, Iruka recalled, she was the only girl who didn't seem to be interested in Uchiha Sasuke at all) looked up from the daily contemplation of her hands.

"Uchiha Sasuke," Iruka continued.

The room went deathly quiet. Iruka didn't need to be a ninja to know that every female in the room (aside from Hinata) was staring at him with frightening intensity, convinced that their name was to be read next, that their idol and crush was destined to be in their squad. For his part, Sasuke only looked increasingly nervous.

"Uzumaki Naruto," Iruka finished.

A cry of protest loud enough to reach the Hokage Tower filled the room.

Twelve-year-old kunoichi begged and pleaded for their Chuunin-sensei to see reason, to give Sasuke to _them_. A few were glaring and aiming threatening remarks towards Hinata, who looked like she was very interested in achieving spontaneous human evaporation as soon as possible. Since all but three of the girls had been placed in squads already, this behavior seemed even more juvenile than it would otherwise.

"As a shinobi, your assignments will always be at the discretion of your superior officers," Iruka told them, his tone icy with disapproval, "In this case, your superiors have taken your skills into account. If you don't like your assignments, you can formally request a transfer. However, as Hokage-sama approved these squads personally, your request will probably be denied."

The girls all looked crestfallen, except for Hinata, who resembled a frightened deer that was ready to bolt.

"Again," Iruka said, "Squad Seven will consist of Hyuuga Hinata, Uchiha Sasuke, and Uzumaki Naruto. Your Jounin-sensei will be Hatake Kakashi."

Naruto perked up at that. Staring Iruka right in the eye, Naruto smirked and waved his outstretched pinky. Iruka's eye twitched, and the Chuunin had to resist a _very_ powerful urge to peg the gaki in the head with a piece of chalk. Iruka could do it too, it was such a short distance, and if he aimed just _so_ he'd probably get Naruto square on the nose…

"Squad Eight," Iruka said instead, "Aburame Shino, Haruno Sakura, and Inuzuka Kiba. Your Jounin-sensei will be Yuuhi Kurenai."

In the corner, Sakura made a sound of despair, while Ino laughed at her. Iruka moved on to the ninth squad, no doubt in his mind that he'd be hearing of a transfer request from Sakura before the day was out. Unfortunately, Iruka and the other academy sensei really had formed the squads based on skill. This assessment included the Jounin's skills as well as those of the Genin, and Yuuhi Kurenai was a genjutsu specialist. Sakura's sharp mind would excel in that field.

There was really something of a formula specifically used for creating Genin teams. It was based on the legendary Sannin team – anything that had ever related to the Sannin at all usually was, and the fact that one of the Sannin was an S-class missing nin was pointedly overlooked – and it was very simple.

Each team needed, in some incarnation or another, a long-range fighter, a close combat fighter, and an information specialist. In some cases, the close combat fighter was a taijutsu specialist, the long-range fighter was a kinjutsu user, and the information specialist was a genjutsu master. Another thing about the teams was that they usually specialized in specific mission styles – battle, reconnaissance, that sort of thing – and every member of a single team might specialize in the same thing. Throw in any of Konoha's bloodline limits – any one of the _kekkai genkai_ – and things started to get even more interesting.

Officially, the formula was called the '_Sword-Shuriken-Spotter_' team formula.

The staff at the academy, Iruka included, preferred the version they called '_Brawn, Brains, and Beauty_', usually because they only had enough kunoichi to put one on each team anyway.

"Now Squad Ten. Akimichi Chouji, Nara Shikamaru, Yamanaka Ino. Your Jounin-sensei will be Sarutobi Asuma."

Once the requisite final groans were finished, Iruka finished his usual speech.

"Your Jounin-sensei will come to pick you up here once the lunch break is over. Please feel free to get to know your new teammates in the meantime. You are all dismissed."

As soon as the last syllable left Iruka's lips, a chain reaction began amongst his now-former students.

Every kunoichi in the room (excluding Hinata) rose from their seat and lunged at Sasuke. Sasuke, showing impressive presence of mind, used Kawarimi to replace himself with a log, reappearing at the door to the classroom while the kunoichi collided with each other at high speeds.

They recovered with amazing swiftness, and as soon as they registered where Sasuke was standing, the mass of female hormones charged. Sasuke bolted out the door, the girls following _en mass_…and walked back in seconds later, calm and composed.

Sounds of confused, worried kunoichi coming in through the windows proved that the horde had clearly moved outside. Iruka decided that Sasuke must have used a Bunshin to send the girls off course. Well, this was the sort of thing that explained why Sasuke had been declared this graduating class's Top Rookie by the academy staff…

As for the rest of them, most of the remaining ninja in the classroom rummaged for their lunches and headed out at a far more subdued pace. Iruka departed for the teacher's lounge, but not before shooting a stern look at Naruto, who hadn't budged from his seat.

'Behave,' Iruka thought at the boy, hoping Naruto would pick up on it somehow.

…

Hinata was feeling slightly faint.

Today was already becoming very stressful for her, and from the sound of it, things had barely begun. A self-acknowledged coward, Hinata had gotten fairly adept at making herself invisible – as the eyes she most often tried to avoid possessed working Byakugan, this required much work – but today almost half of the class had stared right _at_ her with eyes promising misery and pain.

And it was over a boy that Hinata didn't feel anything about, and who certainly didn't feel anything about anyone else in the classroom. Being put in the same squad as Uchiha Sasuke was going to be…interesting, Hinata decided.

It wasn't like she hadn't anticipated it. Top students and bottom students would of course be put together, to provide a balance. Iruka-sensei had given Hinata all the confirmation she'd needed about her status – now, instead of being a failure at being Hyuuga, Hinata was officially a failure at both being a Hyuuga and being a ninja of Konoha. Completely useless.

Sasuke was feeling slightly annoyed.

How thick were the heads of those girls, anyway? All they thought about was trying to 'win' him. Sasuke was not property, not some prize for that vicious pack to fight over.

Sasuke rummaged for his lunch and a scroll to read. Iruka-sensei had said that the new squads should learn more about each other. Well, Sasuke was paired with an anti-social demon boy and the class' invisible girl. He figured that he didn't need to know much more beyond that.

Naruto was feeling slightly pissed.

It wasn't that Uchiha Sasuke was such a bad person: he kept to himself, therefore he was quiet, therefore he was easily ignored, and therefore he was not a bad person in Naruto's book.

But the girls that followed Sasuke around all the time, they were so _loud_ and _annoying_ and they had absolutely _no_ respect for a person's personal boundaries. If Sasuke was going to be a ninja in his group, Naruto feared, the horde of screaming girls would always follow.

Naruto wanted to follow Iruka-nii and eat lunch with him. They'd eaten at least one meal a day together or at least in the same room for years and years now, and not following the usual pattern made Naruto feel uncomfortable.

Sitting next to a snoring Shikamaru didn't help. In fact, the sounds Shikamaru was making were getting really annoying. So when Chouji came up, wanting to take his new teammate and longtime friend out for lunch somewhere, Naruto helped by shoving Shikamaru off the seat and into the aisle. A few complaints from Shikamaru and the two were gone.

Hinata pulled out her box lunch, then hesitated. From her usual seat, up in the far back corner where she would be the most out of the way, Hinata was given a very good view of the rest of the classroom. Right now, the only people still inside the room besides herself were Sasuke and Naruto. They were sitting on opposite sides of the classroom from each other, and ignoring each other. Sasuke, in fact, was thoroughly engrossed in a scroll of Katon jutsu.

But Naruto was just sitting there, staring at his hands. How very odd – wouldn't Naruto want to go eat lunch with his friends? Although the closest thing Hinata had ever seen to someone being friends with Naruto was when Shikamaru and Naruto sat next to each other someplace, taking naps at the same time. Well, wouldn't Naruto at least eat lunch with Iruka-sensei? Iruka-sensei and Naruto had spent lunch breaks together before – Hinata had seen it with her own eyes.

Suddenly, Hinata remembered just what Iruka-sensei had said before dismissing the class. Iruka-sensei wanted the teams to get to know each other. So Iruka-sensei must have told Naruto, probably before class began today, that he and Naruto were not allowed to eat lunch together today.

Iruka-sensei meant well, but even a failure like Hinata could tell that this was a bad idea. Naruto didn't like Sasuke – not that Naruto seemed to like anybody, except for Iruka-sensei of course – and Sasuke refused to have anything to do with anyone else. If not for the other girls being obsessed with him, Sasuke would be even more of a loner than Hinata herself.

'…But,' Hinata thought slowly, 'I…am also…on this team…'

Sasuke would not welcome company, especially not hers. But Hinata wondered…

'…Should I? Shouldn't I?'

Cowardly as she was, Hinata knew she had good reason to be scared at this idea. Almost everybody was at least a little bit scared of Naruto.

'…Maybe Naruto won't even notice me,' Hinata told herself, slowly rising from her seat, 'Maybe it will be…as if two people are sitting by themselves…and just happen to be next to each other. Maybe…'

Naruto was bored now. He had just decided to go ahead, eat lunch, and then take a nap until something interesting happened, when he suddenly became aware that someone was standing in the aisle next to him.

'Eh? When did she get there?' Naruto wondered when he looked.

Naruto knew who this was – barely. This was the silent white-eyed girl – the one who always hovered in the back of the classroom. What was her name again? Wait, Naruto blinked, she was on his squad now, wasn't she? And her name was…it was…

"Um…"

She fidgeted.

"…May I…uh…I mean…err…could…could I…um…"

She was going to take all day at this rate. But she seemed to want to sit down, and Naruto knew he was supposed to be getting to know the others on his new squad, so he patted at Shikamaru's empty chair, showing that the girl could sit down if she wanted to.

She did sit down, very quickly.

"…Hinata, right?" Naruto asked, wanting to make sure.

"…Yes…"

Hinata really did feel light-headed now. Before she gave into cowardice and make some excuse to flee, Hinata set her box lunch on the desk and blurted, "I-I didn't know if you brought a lunch with you, so - so I was wondering if you would like to have some of mine!"

Naruto stared back, honestly dumbfounded, while Hinata was trying not to run away or faint. That was so stupid, of course she knew perfectly well whether he had a lunch or not, everyone knew that Hyuugas could see anything with their eyes, Naruto would know and Naruto would think she thought he was some kind of idiot who didn't know and –

"Really?"

Naruto didn't _sound_ angry.

Naruto sounded surprised. And confused. But not at all upset.

Hinata nodded, slowly.

"Hinata-san doesn't mind if Naruto helps her eat the lunch she made?"

Hinata nodded – and blinked. How did Naruto know she made her own lunches? Naruto must have seen her confused look, because he explained, "Hinata-san smells like food-making," which seemed to make perfect sense to _him_, but left Hinata even more confused.

Instead of trying to ask for a better explanation, Hinata opened the box and she and Naruto started eating. After a few bites, Hinata surrendered the box's contents to the far-more hungry boy.

"Why's Hinata-san not eating?" Naruto asked her immediately, "Hinata-san's food is very good."

"Um…it's okay…" Hinata said, "I…don't really...I'm not…very hungry…"

"Hinata-san, Hinata-san needs to eat more, or she'll always be too little an' skinny," Naruto replied, and much to Hinata's further astonishment, pulled out his own lunch box.

"Not as good as Hinata-san's," Naruto said, holding up a hand as if to block someone from listening in, "But Hinata-san needs to eat! Please?"

Very reluctantly, Hinata accepted the box. And the rest of the lunch break passed quietly, with Hinata eating Naruto's lunch, Naruto eating Hinata's lunch, and Sasuke's eating his own lunch and wondering why those two weirdoes he was stuck with had to talk so much and ruin the nice, peaceful silence.

…  
…


	5. Fifth Chapter

Thank you all for your wonderful reviews.

As per your questions on the differences on Kyuubi's sealing...I do allude to it on my bio, but basically, the premise of this story is that when the Kyuubi attacked and was 'defeated' by Yondaime Hokage, a newborn baby was found near his (Yondaime's) body. The baby had clearly been used in some kind of ritual, but since no one else was there, no one in the Leaf Village (at the time) knew what exactly he had done. The residue of demonic chakra all over the stuff that had been used in the ritual lead the people of the village to believe that Yondaime had drained the Kyuubi of chakra to make it weak enough to kill, and that Yondaime had put in the chakra inside the baby so that Kyuubi couldn't take it back.

See the difference? Instead of thinking of Naruto as Kyuubi, the village thinks of Naruto as a child who's had demonic chakra inside him since just after birth. Instead of being a mass murderer, they think he's a freak, and potentially a new demon in the making...not that their various abuses are helping solve the problem much... 

I can't tell the rest now, of course...I don't want to spoil the fic!

Disclaimer: I do not own the original Naruto

Claimer: I own this idea for this Naruto

* * *

…  
… 

After the lunch break ended, Hinata found that she really didn't _want_ to move back to her old seat. And when all the other new Genin returned, Hinata found herself holding onto that conviction (just barely) and stayed put.

No one noticed.

As soon as they laid eyes on Sasuke, the rest of the class' kunoichi fought tooth and nail for the privilege of a seat next to the black-haired prodigy. Sasuke had unfortunately chosen a seat in the middle of a desk, and when the dust settled Sakura and Ino were sitting in the seats on either side of him, happy as could be. Almost happy, anyways, since as soon as the issue of seats was settled, Sakura and Ino were insulting each other and trying to woo Sasuke through sheer force of will and death grips. Sasuke suddenly felt _very_ happy with his other teammates, who had yet to attempt to molest him.

Almost as soon as the last new Genin was back in the classroom, the Jounin-sensei started to arrive. Squads were being lead away, one and two at a time, until at last only Squad 7 remained. It had been an hour since the break ended, and since Squad 7's leader seemed to be running a little late, the squad sat down to wait.

One hour later: the squad wondered if their new sensei was on a mission.

Two hours later: the squad wondered if their new sensei could tell time.

Two and a half hours later: Naruto thought it might be a good idea to get in some sleep. Hinata decided to study the back of her hands some more, in case she hadn't memorized every detail yet. Sasuke wondered if it worth risking Iruka-sensei's wrath by practicing Katon jutsu in the classroom.

Three hours later: there was a quiet sliding noise as the door to the classroom slid open.

The unexpected sound drew all three Genin's attention right away, as a lanky man in a Jounin uniform stuck his head inside the classroom. He had silver hair that stuck straight up, and he was wearing a cloth mask that covered his face from the nose down. His hitai-ate was on crooked, so that the only visible part of the Jounin's face was his right eye. He hadn't been here for ten seconds yet and already Squad 7 knew that this Jounin was strange.

'Is _this_ our sensei?' Hinata and Sasuke wondered.

Naruto only made a grumbling noise to himself. Sure, he had been right, it was the same guy – but Naruto hadn't realized that this guy was even more lazy than Shikamaru. Naruto would need to see what he could do about it – Iruka-nii wouldn't want to put up with stuff like that.

The silver-haired Jounin put a hand to his chin, as if he was thinking of something. The three Genin stared at him, wondering what was going to happen now. _Was_ this their new Jounin-sensei?

"Based on my first impression of this squad…" the Jounin drawled out, seeming almost as if he was taking enjoyment from the mere act of speaking to the three of them, "You three…"

He paused for a moment.

"…Are _idiots!_"

The Jounin finished his statement with a gleeful tone. Naruto, Sasuke, and Hinata nearly fell out of their seats in astonishment.

…

Kakashi had been given sorry excuses for Genin teams in the past, of course, but these three had managed to totally redefine 'weird' in under ten seconds. There was Icicle Boy, Demon Brat, and the Anti-Hyuuga…well, hopefully he could fail them all quickly. More time for quality reading that way.

"Alright," Kakashi said, once he had lead the squad to a nearby rooftop, "Let's all introduce ourselves to each other. Just the basics – names, likes, dislikes, dreams, hobbies, that sort of thing. Who wants to go first?"

Kakashi got two and a half stares in response to that question. Icicle Boy (nicknames equal fun!) seemed offended, Demon Brat looked bored, and the Anti-Hyuuga was studying her hands with rapt fascination. This silent team…it had to be a record of some kind. But it was no fun trying to tease them, no fun at all.

"Okay…I'll just show you how it's done, then," Kakashi said, only feeling slightly miffed, "My name is Hatake Kakashi. Let's see... My likes and dislikes are absolutely none of your business."

Hah! Their little heads had whipped up at _that!_ Icicle Boy needed to work on his death glares, though, Kakashi had never felt healthier in his life.

"Ah, and my dreams for the future are…hmm. I don't think I've ever really thought about that. Oh, and as for my hobbies…eh, let's just say they aren't meant for the ears of sweet, innocent little children."

This was a slight improvement from before. All three were staring at him now, the boys in annoyance and the girl with confusion. But still…

'These kids are so damn _solemn_…just watching them is making me feel depressed,' Kakashi sighed to himself.

Pointing to Icicle Boy, Kakashi said, "Okay, you can start first."

"…My name is Uchiha Sasuke," said the boy, "…I don't like many things. I don't have time for hobbies. My _goal_ is to restore my clan and find the truth of the massacre."

'Hmm,' Kakashi frowned under his mask, 'No wonder he's so stiff. The Uchiha Massacre, eh?'

It was an open secret in Konoha that the Uchiha Clan, one of the top two Bloodline Clans in the village, had been mysteriously wiped out six years ago. The only known survivors were Sasuke and his older brother, Itachi. Uchiha Itachi had vanished from the village at that time, either during or just after the massacre. This was taken by most of the villagers as a sign of guilt, though the only ones to actually _witness_ the massacre itself were the victims...

Now Itachi was a missing-nin…but Sasuke didn't seem to support the 'Guilty Missing-nin' theory that the rest of the village had.

'Interesting,' Kakashi decided, and pointed at the next one in line.

"Now for the young lady," Kakashi said.

Nervously, the girl said, "My name is Hyuuga Hinata. Um…I like…I like it when it snows. I don't…really have any…hobbies. Um…I don't like it when…if…when people are cruel. And…my dream is…my dream is to be…a good ninja, I guess."

'A good ninja, she guesses…it figures I get the only Hyuuga with no self-esteem whatsoever,' thought Kakashi, pointing to the last one.

"And you?"

The other boy (Naruto) looked up – and how the hell did he see with both eyes closed like that, anyway? – seemingly thinking about what he would say.

"Naruto is Uzumaki Naruto," said Naruto, "Naruto likes ramen and something else. What Naruto doesn't like is stupid work. Ah…and Naruto's hobbies…they're secret!"

Naruto looked very happy with his answers. Kakashi just felt slightly creeped out. It looked like he was _re_-redefining weird here…

"What, no dreams?" Kakashi prodded.

"Can't say."

Naruto held up a hand, pointing upwards as if he was giving a lecture. His tone was completely serious.

"Top secret. World will end. Sensei gets it."

Sasuke and Hinata were both staring at the blonde now, annoyance and confusion on their faces. You couldn't blame them - whatever the hell the boy had grown into, it was definitely strange.

"All right. You're each different, with your own interesting ideas. That's excellent," Kakashi said, drawing the attention back his way, "The squad will start its first mission tomorrow."

The three just stared, waiting for more information. Kakashi was going to be glad to dump them back in the Academy (assuming they had any skill worth improving) because honestly, the three of them were simply no fun at all.

"Um…what sort of mission will it be, sensei?" Hinata asked a moment later, glancing nervously at her teammates as she spoke.

'Egad! She speaks!' Kakashi thought to himself, even as he prepared his usual terror-to-the-new-Genin spiel.

"It's a task that will only involve the four of us," Kakashi said.

There was a long pause. Then Hinata said, "Um…"

"We will be performing survival exercises," Kakashi said, deciding to take pity on the poor girl.

There was a very faint, very contemptuous-sounding snort from Sasuke.

"This will be different from any previous survival training you may have undergone," Kakashi replied calmly.

"…How will it be different?" Hinata asked.

"You'll need to survive against me," Kakashi said, smiling under the mask even though none of them could see it, "And anyone who doesn't gets sent back to the Academy for more training."

"Hn?"

"Huh?"

"Eh?"

Finally, there was something approaching a conversation going on here.

"This is a test to see who amongst you new graduates will become actual Genin. The test happens to have a minimum failure rate of sixty-six percent. Only the best will become Genin, though the Academy exam _should_ have weeded out the completely hopeless from your ranks…"

'This sounds promising,' thought Sasuke.

'Academy, here I come,' thought Hinata.

'Nobody's taking _this_ away from me,' thought Naruto, putting a hand to his hitai-ate.

"This lists the meeting place for tomorrow's test," Kakashi concluded, handing out the notes with the information out, "Meet out there at six a.m., and bring your ninja gear."

Kakashi stood up, stretched, and turned to leave. Before actually leaving, though, he added the last thing.

"By the way, a word of advice."

Three alert gazes fixed themselves to the back of his head. Kakashi turned to look at them.

"Don't eat breakfast…unless you like puking."

The sound of nervous swallowing and fidgeting was almost music to his ears.

…  
…


	6. Sixth Chapter

College finals are the ultimate evil. You know I'm right.

Now that they're over with, I will (hopefully) be able to work on this story more often...

In short, sorry for the wait, here's the next chapter, please be nice and leave a review, yare yare.

Disclaimer: I do not own the original Naruto

Claimer: I own this idea for Naruto

* * *

…  
… 

The next day opened to the chirping of birds and the dampness of dew left over the grass and leaves. The rising sun painted the sky in shades of pink, yellow, and blue, and it was, by all standards, a beautiful start to the day.

For three Academy graduates, all this beauty lost considerable impact. This was mainly due to their thoughts about WHY they were outside at this time of the morning to begin with.

The sun was slowly creeping higher and higher into the sky, and its slow progress was doing nothing for the growling stomachs of three hungry Genin-hopefuls, who were starting to wonder why their sensei would make them stand out in a field for hours on end without the slightest bit of nourishment.

Three hours _after_ the scheduled meeting time, Kakashi strolled into view.

"Yo," Kakashi said, greeting his new students with a cheery, though unseen smile, and a little wave.

"Aah, I know I'm a little late," Kakashi continued, still a little disappointed that these three wouldn't react entertainingly, "But you see, I had to go save this little kitten from a tree…"

"…You did?" Hinata ventured to ask.

"No," Sasuke muttered, making it the first word he'd said in about a week.

"…Oh," Hinata said, taking Sasuke's sullen (albeit not incorrect) answer as the truth.

Naruto just glared, not happy to be sitting around in a field for three hours doing nothing – especially since he could have spent the time eating breakfast.

Finally deciding to get around to the point, Kakashi pulled out a standard alarm clock (from where was debatable) and walked over to where three thick wooden posts stood in a row. Placing the clock on the center post, Kakashi pushed down the button and the clock started ticking.

"Alright. This is set for noon," Kakashi said.

Kakashi pulled out a pair of small bells (possibly from wherever he'd had the alarm clock stowed away) and shook them so that they jingled loudly.

"To complete this survival training, you must take at least one bell from me," Kakashi said, tying the bells to his belt, "You have until the alarm rings to do so. Whoever doesn't have a bell by then will not get lunch."

Hinata, Sasuke, and Naruto stared at their teacher, wondering if he would really prevent them from eating lunch. Was he serious?

"You'll be tied to one of these posts," Kakashi said, patting one of the posts happily, "And from there, you'll watch me as I eat your lunch in front of you."

A strangled cry of outrage from Naruto punctuated Kakashi's sentence. Hinata and Sasuke eyed their other squad-mate warily, and Kakashi cheerfully ignored Naruto completely.

"Now, there's two bells and three of you," Kakashi added, "So at least one of you should be tied to a post and fail the test. That person goes back to the Academy –though all three of you could fail just as easily. Feel free to use any weapons you'd like to against me. Anyone who doesn't strike with the intent to kill is guaranteed to fail."

Kakashi smiled at them underneath his mask.

"Any questions?"

Kakashi got absolutely nothing in response, although Hinata had her forefingers pressed together in anticipatory nervousness.

"All right then," Kakashi said, "The test starts…mmm…right now."

Kakashi vanished in a swirl of leaves.

The three would-be Genin took one second to blink at their sensei's sudden departure before common sense kicked in, the three of them shooting off into the surrounding trees and shrubbery. No one wanted to be caught in the open like an idiot, right off the bat!

…

Hinata took refuge underneath an extra-leafy bush. Once she was securely hidden, she thought over her options.

Hinata was certain that no matter how hard she tried, she was bound to fail the test – failure was the only thing she was any good at – but since one of the three of them was _supposed_ to fail anyway, Hinata wondered, shouldn't she at least make certain that she was the one to do so? At the very least, Hinata could set traps to help Naruto and Sasuke pass the test…

…

Sasuke moved away from the other two as soon as they reached the tree line. This was already interesting…although getting a chance to be taught by a ninja you could already defeat didn't make much sense…and it would really be better if the other two failed.

After all, how was Sasuke supposed to become strong enough if his training was hampered by an annoying crazy boy and a pathetic weakling girl? This lunatic sensei looked to be aggravating enough.

…

Naruto scrambled through the forest, trying to find a good spot. If only two people were going to become Genin out of their three, Naruto had decided that he was going to be one of them.

And…actually, Hinata-san seemed nice. She had even given him her lunch! Naruto decided on the spot that he was going to steal a bell for Hinata-san to have if she didn't get one on her own.

…

Kakashi canceled the jutsu. After his 'disappearance', the kids had bolted for cover, just as he had anticipated. Hiding was one of the most basic ninja skills…at least these three could do that much.

Satisfied, Kakashi moved to what he liked to think of as Phase Two: 'See if kids can stay hidden while seeing something weird'. To that end, Kakashi reached into his weapons pouch.

From their various positions, Sasuke, Naruto, and Hinata watched their sensei, wondering what sort of weapon he was going for. The last thing they were expecting to see was a small, bright orange book. As they watched in confusion, Kakashi opened the book, turning the pages to get to wherever he'd left off…and started to blush and giggle.

---

In his hiding tree, Naruto watched the Jounin read his book and nodded to himself. Okay, so maybe it was a bad sign that Kakashi was a pervert. Still, perverts were usually easy enough to handle: easily distracted and all that…

The bushes rustled ominously. Kakashi didn't bother with the tediousness of actually _looking_ towards his assailants until the five Narutos were almost on him, running full speed and wielding kunai.

Naruto's strategy didn't seem to have much in the way of subtlety…oh well.

'Phase Three: Demonstrate what happens if you attack head-on by yourself like an idiot.'

…

From his hiding spot amongst the branches of a nearby tree, Sasuke watched everything unfold. Frankly, Sasuke wasn't surprised that Naruto had gone for the direct approach. The second their would-be sensei started _blushing_, Sasuke had felt a very strong urge to rush out there and beat the crap out of the man himself. How had this lunatic managed to reach the rank of Jounin…?

Sasuke's stomach was empty – he'd done as ordered and skipped breakfast, puking being a bad thing in his mind – but the dark-haired prodigy suddenly found himself eating crow.

When he finally noticed he was under attack, the masked Jounin tried to jump away. The Jounin stopped just as suddenly, no doubt because of the four new Narutos that had suddenly jumped him from behind. With one hanging from each shoulder and the other two claiming a leg apiece, most people would experience some difficulty escaping.

The first thing that occurred to Sasuke was a grudging recognition for the other boy's tactical sense. The second thing that occurred to Sasuke was that Bunshin weren't actually capable of grabbing and holding on to opponents.

'What kind of jutsu is that freak using?' Sasuke wondered.

…

Hinata watched the battle with wide eyes. Naruto could make _solid_ Bunshin? How was that even _possible?_

Oh, his passing was guaranteed now, Hinata sighed, anyone with that much obvious talent had a future as a successful Konoha shinobi assured…

As Hinata continued watching, the five charging Narutos readied their free hands. One was already reaching towards the bells tied to Kakashi-sensei's waist, the others taking aim for what looked like was going to be a severe beating. The nearest Naruto swung hard –

– Landing a solid blow right in the gut of Naruto.

Hinata was confused, and the faces of the clones showed immense confusion as well. The punch hadn't missed its target, but Kakashi-sensei had vanished in the blink of an eye, leaving one of Naruto's own clones to take the blow in his place.

With a groan of pain, the punched clone _bamphed_ out of existence.

…

'…Idiot,' Sasuke sighed.

Kakashi had been _pretending_ to be immersed in his stupid orange book. It made perfect sense – no total idiots could make it to Jounin rank. The sensei had used Kawarimi, the second of the most basic skills ninja learned in the Academy.

The eight remaining Naruto clones jumped away from each other, kunai raised. Of course, if Kakashi HAD used Kawarimi with one of Naruto's freak Bunshin, any one of them could be the Jounin using Henge to disguise himself.

One of the Narutos – one of the pair that had been holding Kakashi's legs, Sasuke thought – suddenly made a canceling hand sign. The other seven Narutos _bamphed_ into smoke.

Sasuke's estimation of Naruto's intellect increased by a slight fraction. Better to cancel the other Bunshin and fight the real enemy one-on-one than to start a pointless eight-way fight. However, it seemed as if none of the other Bunshin had been Kakashi under a Henge.

This was made especially obvious when Kakashi himself stepped out from amongst the trees, eye focused on the pages of the little orange book.

…

'So that was Kage Bunshin, eh?' Kakashi mused to himself as he casually strolled back into the open, 'Naruto understands the power of sheer force of numbers at least…'

"Interesting jutsu you have there, Naruto," Kakashi said aloud, eye still trained on the familiar pages of his _Icha Icha Paradisu_, "All the same…it doesn't matter how many of you there are. They will still have the skill level you do – an idiot. You can't match me with or without that jutsu…"

Naruto glared back at him. Weird, how unnerving it was, especially with the boy's eyes still screwed shut like that. With a loud battle cry, the blonde brat charged towards Kakashi.

'Wow, are we still on Phase Three? Stubborn little brat,' Kakashi thought as he readied himself for the battle – if you could call it that.

"Basic Shinobi Skill Type A: Taijutsu, the Art of Physical Combat," Kakashi said aloud.

It wasn't as easy as Kakashi made it look: he had to crouch down in order to duck Naruto's punch. Sidestepping the brat's attempts at kicks, Kakashi was squatting behind Naruto's back in seconds.

"Showing your enemy your back is really bad strategy, Naruto," Kakashi chided his bewildered opponent, even as he prepared for his next move – a move that was a present from his sensei's sensei.

"Now for Konoha's most secret and most sacred technique," Kakashi intoned with more than a little glee, "_One Thousand Years of Pain!_"

…  
…


	7. Seventh Chapter

Huzzah! I FINALLY managed to get this damn chapter finished!

Sorry for the delay, everyone! Assuming there IS still anyone waiting to read the next chapter of this fic...

(sound of crickets)

Ah, crap.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto

Claimer: THIS version of Naruto is mine!

* * *

…  
… 

'I don't believe this,' Sasuke thought.

He sighed in disgust as Naruto was propelled screeching into the river ten meters away after Kakashi…did something. Some 'most secret and most sacred technique': Kakashi had poked Naruto in the butt! Of all the stupid, perverted, stupid, vulgar, and STUPID things…Sasuke felt a great urge to ask Kakashi to wash his hands before they fought.

The Jounin had risen from his crouch, one hand raised to shade his eye as he tracked Naruto's progress. Apparently pleased with the distance he'd gotten, Kakashi raised his other hand – which held his little orange book – and returned to his giggling, blushing reading.

Sasuke was seeing red. _Forget_ the distance, a few shuriken –

Just as Sasuke was reaching for the shuriken he kept stowed in his leg holster, a barrage of shuriken shot out of the river, aiming for Kakashi with deadly accuracy. Just before impact, Kakashi moved his free hand in a blur, not taking his eyes from his book. A few seconds later, the Jounin was sporting four brand new, still-spinning shuriken rings on his fingers.

There was a small splash in river as Naruto surfaced briefly for air. Apparently, the freak knew when he was outclassed, because Naruto dove under almost immediately, no doubt planning on swimming to a more secluded place to return to shore.

"So much for Naruto," Kakashi sighed aloud, flipping a page in his book awkwardly with his shuriken-decorated hand as he turned away from the river, "Now let's see…who's next…?"

The Jounin casually strolled into the trees.

…

Crossing Naruto off his mental checklist, Kakashi went in search of his other two victims.

To be honest, that wasn't strictly true: Kakashi had known _exactly_ where Sasuke was hiding the entire time. The Uchiha's chakra had flared with unmitigated pubescent fury every time Kakashi so much as turned a page – definitely something for the little baka to work on.

However, Hinata had practically vanished into thin air, chakra and all. The briefing he'd read on this squad had mentioned the Hyuuga heiress as '_quiet and shy around others_', but a better description might be '_spends her time under an invisibility genjutsu at all times_'.

In the interest of going through this squad properly, Kakashi began casually seeking the apparently invisible kunoichi out. The mass of utterly outraged chakra that followed him from tree to tree was more than enough for Kakashi to keep excellent tabs on Sasuke.

Of course, Kakashi couldn't resist teasing the arboreal gaki, and at every bush, the Jounin took great relish in poking, rattling, and peering into the leaves and branches, adding the occasional, "Oh dear oh dear, where _have_ my other little students gone?"

The fury in the boy's aura could have set the whole forest on fire. At this rate, Sasuke would snap, and it really wouldn't hurt him to get a realistic understanding of how he ranked in the _real_ world, would it?

…Just the lightest flutter brushed Kakashi's senses. He kept his reaction hidden, but inwardly, he smirked.

_There_ she was…

…

Hinata felt utterly ashamed of herself for laughing at Sasuke.

Kakashi-sensei was behaving very ridiculously now, so, really, there was no reason to get so worked up…but as Hinata watched from a safe distance away, Kakashi-sensei walked over to another bush and bent to look underneath it. Sasuke crouched in a nearby tree, looking _very_ angry now…

Hinata knew that Sasuke had a tendency to think very highly of himself, no matter how little he liked his clinging, hovering fans. Kakashi-sensei was ignoring Sasuke right now, and the _face_ Sasuke was making…Hinata had covered her mouth and prevented all but the smallest of giggles from escaping.

It got worse: not only did she feel horrible about laughing at someone who was so angry and upset, but also Kakashi-sensei must have heard her – _somehow_ – because he was walking right towards her hiding place, not even stopping to check underneath bushes anymore. Hinata retreated as silently as she could, but Kakashi-sensei was still headed in her direction…

Hinata felt her heart begin to pound. It was so loud in her ears; the noise _must _be what Kakashi-sensei was following so easily. She had set a _few_ traps, but Hinata hadn't really expected to be given any chance to _use_ them…

As Kakashi-sensei emerged into the clearing where Hinata was, she felt oddly uneasy…

…

'…Oh, that's _adorable_ – he actually thinks I'm off my guard!'

…

As soon as Kakashi emerged into the clearing, Sasuke struck. He was going to get a bell and end this stupid farce of a test, NOW! Flinging a few kunai from where he had been perched in the tree as a distraction, Sasuke smoothly dropped to the forest floor and charged the Jounin.

Kakashi detected the barrage and dodged to the right, evading it easily – just as Sasuke had predicted. Sasuke came at a low angle, using his greater speed to his advantage. Drawing back a fist, Sasuke threw a punch as soon as he got in range. Kakashi blocked the punch with an open hand, closing it to keep Sasuke from drawing his arm back. Undeterred, Sasuke swung around and kicked at Kakashi's head, which the Jounin blocked with his other hand. Then Sasuke kicked with his other leg, forcing Kakashi to release Sasuke's hand in order to block with that arm.

This left Sasuke more or less upside-down. A smirk blossomed on the young prodigy's face as he reached toward the goal of his attack – one of the pair of bells that dangled oh-so-very-much in arm's reach…

Just as Sasuke's fingertips brushed one of the bells, Kakashi abruptly disengaged from the battle. Sasuke managed to turn himself around and land in a crouch, and as he was moving, he caught sight of something bright flashing through the space where he and the Jounin had been grappling – something metal and sharp looking, he thought.

'It was a trap?' Sasuke wondered.

Strange, Kakashi didn't seem the type to risk his neck simply to lure an enemy into a trap, especially one that was so easily evaded…but no matter. If he couldn't get a bell with mere physical force, Sasuke still had _other_ powerful methods at his disposal.

…

This was the closest Kakashi had come to being challenged all day. When they called Uchiha Sasuke a prodigy, they really hadn't been kidding. In addition, to make matters even stranger, that little one-on-one scuffle had triggered a trap that _someone_ had set up at the edge of the clearing.

If Hinata had actually set the trap to help Sasuke take a bell, Kakashi would even admit to having been impressed. Instead, the best the trap had done was break up their fight right at the point when Kakashi would have broken it off anyway – Sasuke seemed to be actually almost competent in a fight. And speaking of Sasuke –

Sasuke brought his hands together and began shaping signs rapidly. Kakashi allowed some of the surprise he felt show on his face, not that anyone was around who could see it. Anyone less experienced in the ways of the wide, strange world than Kakashi would have been completely shocked.

Genin-level wannabes oughtn't to have chakra developed enough for Katon ninjutsu…

"**Katon: Goukakyuu no jutsu!**" Sasuke intoned, taking a deep breath before raising a hand to his mouth and blowing out the air, hard.

Except what came out wasn't air, but fire. And a whole lot of it. Kakashi would have actually been worried for his physical safety if Sasuke's little fireball wasn't so slow…

…

Hinata got the surprise of her life when Sasuke used the Katon jutsu.

Certainly, Hinata had seen him read up on them a lot over the last few weeks of class at the Academy, but those were some of the hardest jutsu to learn…she hadn't realized that he'd already mastered at least one.

Something a bit more urgent needed to be minded first, however: Hinata had moved from her original spot in the clearing when Kakashi-sensei had first emerged, and now she was crouched right by where the Jounin and Sasuke were fighting. Now the Jounin's back was to her, and if Hinata had been able to muster the nerve to try, she _could_ have gone for a bell...

Except that Sasuke, who didn't seem to have noticed her at all, had used his Katon jutsu, and there was a wall of fire heading this way at top speed. Kakashi-sensei vanished in a blur when the fire reached his position, but there were no signs of it slowing down or stopping and Hinata was still in the way. Her legs felt like rubber and she couldn't seem to make herself _move_ –

There was a frightening impact as something heavy hit her, knocking Hinata out of harm's way at the last possible instant. Hinata could still feel the heat, but the fireball quickly dissipated after it hit the spot where she had just been, roasting the grass and cracking the dirt…and she could have been burnt up just as badly!

"What's WRONG with you!" bellowed an angry voice from just above Hinata's head.

'That...sounds familiar…' Hinata thought as she opened her eyes.

The dingy, orange-ish-colored blur above her told Hinata all she needed to know about who had just saved her skin.

"N-Naruto…?"

Naruto was too focused on yelling at Sasuke to notice Hinata's voice. Instead, as she watched, Naruto stomped over to where Sasuke was still standing and looking angry.

"Sasuke-teme, you almost hit Hinata-san!" Naruto yelled.

"Get out of the way. You're interfering," Sasuke replied curtly, already turned to look around and see where Kakashi-sensei had gone.

"Not until Hinata-san gets her apology, Sasuke-teme!" Naruto retorted, moving to stand right in Sasuke's way.

"Why should I?" Sasuke growled, eyeing the blonde-haired boy in front of him with a dangerous expression, "Anyone who's _weak_ enough to get in my way gets what they deserve. Now _move_, you pathetic _freak_."

Something changed in Naruto's face for less than a heartbeat. It looked like Naruto, normally so composed that he seemed almost emotionless, was _hissing_, and _snarling_, almost like an _animal_ – and then the heartbeat ended. Naruto made a fist and smashed it into Sasuke's face. The hit was hard enough that Sasuke stumbled back a few steps, head rocked backwards. Even if Sasuke had been _expecting_ the punch, there would have been no time for him to block it…

Then, as an utterly horrified Hinata watched, Sasuke turned back towards Naruto. The angry red mark on his cheek was probably going to become a spectacular bruise, but the dark-haired prodigy looked angrier about the simple fact that Naruto had even _dared_ to strike him.

He lunged at Naruto, who was swinging another punch already. Sasuke's hands reached towards his weapons –

The ground below Sasuke and Naruto's feet churned suddenly, and with angry, startled yelps, both boys were dragged down into the ground until only their heads were still sticking out. Hinata didn't even have enough time to gape before a shadow loomed over her head.

Standing right next to where Hinata was still sprawled was Kakashi-sensei.

…  
…


	8. Eighth Chapter

I cannot believe I've managed to get this chapter up this quickly. Only a week after the last update, I haven't done that in quiet a while for any fic...

Sorry guys, but If I explain all the quirks now, it'll take the fun out of the whole fic! Or at least my fun...which, admittedly, is something along the lines of '**I know something you don't know**' (dodges thrown objects) Oi!

Seriously, thank you all for coming! Enjoy the show!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto

Claimer: I own this version of Naruto

* * *

…  
… 

Even neck-deep in the ground, Sasuke and Naruto were glaring and outright hissing at each other, oblivious to anything else that was going on. On top of that, Kakashi noted, Hinata looked just about ready to melt into the ground, never to be seen again.

'Why do I always get the _worst_ of the problem cases?' Kakashi wondered with a sigh, scratching his head idly.

Briefly, the Jounin considered ducking back into hiding and seeing if this squad figured out how to pull together on its own; they _did_ have nearly half an hour left on the clock…no, bad idea. Sasuke had actually been trying to _kill_ Naruto – another minute into that fight and Kakashi would have learned first-hand whether or not Naruto's alleged demonic healing powers regrew heads – and Naruto, at the moment, had all the markings of a berserker-in-training.

Kakashi sighed again, before looking down at Hinata. She was staring back up at him, pale enough that her eyes looked colorful. At least she wasn't crying or carrying on or babbling like a scatterbrained idiot, unlike how most of the kunoichi he'd failed had reacted at this point.

"…Well, you're all officially caught at this point," Kakashi said, "So, don't move, alright?"

Hinata's reply was almost too quiet to be heard, but the nod was clear enough, and Kakashi very much doubted Hinata would be doing any bell snatching while his back was turned; it wasn't as if she'd done it the last time she'd had a chance to either. Kakashi took two steps towards the trapped boys, who finally deigned to finish their little squabble and look at him.

"Well…" Kakashi began, drawing out his words carefully for the best impact, "This is interesting. Congratulations, you two…"

Kakashi waited for their annoyed faces to melt into bewilderment, clearly wondering if this meant they had actually managed to pass Kakashi's test.

"…you've managed to fail your squad in _record_ time," Kakashi finished.

…

Naruto blinked in total confusion. Sasuke, meanwhile, thought this over, then spat out, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Aah, I see how you might be confused. Let me clarify this for you a bit," Kakashi said, cupping his chin in his hand as if in thought.

"In comparison to all the other squads that I've given this test, you two – Naruto and Sasuke – have caused your squad to fail the test faster than anyone on any of the other squads ever caused their squads to fail this test."

"What! _Failed!_" Naruto squawked.

"The alarm hasn't gone off yet," Sasuke retorted.

"Oh, it didn't have to; you already failed. So, moving on," Kakashi waved his hands, dismissing the matter of their failing, "Now, of the three of you, Hinata will be returning to the academy for more training."

There was a soft sound from Hinata. It sounded almost more like resignation than disappointment if you thought about it.

"As for you two," Kakashi continued without missing a beat, "You're going to be expelled from the training program altogether."

One could have heard a pin drop. The stunned silence lasted for all of a minute before Sasuke exploded.

"You can't do that!"

Kakashi's visible eyebrow rose. Naruto fidgeted in his hole, wondering at the sudden tenseness he was feeling.

"I just _did_," Kakashi replied, with _nothing_ in his voice any more to soften his words.

"Just because we failed a stupid test!"

Okay, that was definitely NOT a good feeling going on, Naruto thought. Why the hell couldn't Sasuke-teme keep his stupid mouth shut?

…

Safely squirreled away behind Kakashi-sensei – though he wasn't their sensei anymore, she supposed – Hinata was mostly protected from the wave of feeling that was filling the clearing.

With all the fuss of their test going on, Hinata had almost forgotten what it meant for someone to actually _be_ of the Jounin ranking. However, with what she was feeling now, it was _painfully_ clear…though; Kakashi-sensei wasn't _really_ going to kill Sasuke and Naruto, was he? Even though it felt like he was about to…?

"This test," Kakashi-sensei said in a low voice, "Is what determines whether or not you continue on to become fully-fledged shinobi of this village. _I_ am the one who makes the final decision, and from what I've seen of you, I can make it without doubt or hesitation. My _decision_ is that none of you are fit to serve as shinobi."

Sasuke was very pale by this point, the bruise on his face sticking out like a massive ink blotch, and Hinata couldn't blame him. Kakashi-sensei was scary like this. Still, the dark-haired prodigy managed to open his mouth and ask, "And what makes you think we're not good enough?"

"_Shinobi do not kill their comrades_."

If anything, Kakashi-sensei's voice had gotten even more menacing with those six words, and the Jounin wasn't done yet.

"In this battle, _I_ was your opponent. Not Naruto. Yet which of us did you come at with the intent to kill?"

"But he hit me!"

Sasuke seemed to get paler after those words escaped him.

"I'm not even going to go into the stupidity of what you just said," Kakashi-sensei said flatly, "But since we _are_ on the subject…Naruto!"

Naruto stiffened.

"Assaulting your teammate for an imagined slight is _not_ the way of the shinobi. A ninja who only cares about his own image and his own agenda isn't just a liability; he is a _threat_."

"It – It wasn't a stupid reason like _that!_" Naruto protested, somehow finding his voice, "Sasuke-teme would'a killed Hinata-san!"

Hinata bowed her head, feeling shamed. Sasuke _might_ have hurt her seriously…but only because she had been too terrified to move out of the way when she'd had the chance. If not for her cowardice, this terrible argument wouldn't even be happening.

"When you pushed Hinata out of harm's way, that was an excellent example of teamwork," Kakashi-sensei said.

Naruto tried to figure out the meaning behind this strangely placed compliment (he wasn't sure, but it _sounded_ like a compliment), but Kakashi-sensei was still going.

"Once Hinata was out of harm's way, you proceeded to yell at Sasuke. _That_ had nothing to do with Hinata. _That_ was your reaction. It was divisive and it was stupid."

There was a brief pause while Naruto wilted. Then Kakashi-sensei addressed Hinata without turning around.

"Hinata."

Hinata braced herself for a thorough dressing-down.

"While you show admirable competency in the basic shinobi arts, you did nothing to aid either of your teammates. You did nothing to discover the _point_ behind this test."

'…The point…behind this test?' Hinata wondered.

The wave of killing intent faded from the meadow, and Kakashi-sensei made a half-turn so that all three of them could see his masked face. Whatever anger had been visible was gone, leaving behind only annoyance and exasperation.

"Three people in every squad. Why do you _think_ we would set the test up like that?"

Hinata had no idea whatsoever why they would do that, but the distant ring of the alarm clock going off prevented her from answering. Kakashi-sensei threw a distracted glance in the direction of the clock…and sighed, loudly.

"Let's see…I suppose I _did_ cut off some of the time allotted…alright, this is what will happen next."

…

Minutes later, Hinata was sitting in front of one of the thick wooden posts in the main part of the training ground. Tied quite firmly to the other two posts were Naruto and Sasuke.

Kakashi-sensei had dragged them up out of their holes, taken them over here, and tied them up so they couldn't move. It had been done so quickly that neither boy had had time to protest before they were lashed in place.

Unexpectedly, there was a rumbling noise. It was followed by two echoes, and Hinata felt her face heat up. Of all the times…

"The stomachs are rumbling, I see," Kakashi-sensei said, "Well, seeing as how I was forced to intervene and end things prematurely, you three will be getting a second chance to pass my little test."

Hinata's head jerked up in surprise, and the two thumps (and one hissed curse from Naruto) showed that the rest of the squad was just as surprised.

"This second attempt will not be like your first," Kakashi-sensei continued, "It will be much, _much_ harder for you. Which brings me to the matter of lunch…the rule was that those of you who did not get a bell are not getting lunch. That rule remains in effect. Anyone I see eating lunch will be failed instantly. Are we clear on this?"

"…Why are we tied up?" Sasuke spoke up.

"Well, I wouldn't want to have to break up _another_ death match today," Kakashi-sensei said, sounding surprisingly reasonable, "We'll resume in half an hour. Anyone going in _there_-" the Jounin pointed at the bags piled neatly at the foot of one of the trees, "To get their lunch fails."

"How's anybody gonna fight when they're starving like this!" Naruto groaned as his stomach rumbled again, this time very loudly.

"You'll just have to make do somehow," Kakashi-sensei said, "These are _my_ rules. _Your_ job is to follow them. I'll see you in half an hour."

Kakashi-sensei vanished in a swirl of leaves.

"…That better not be another genjutsu," Sasuke muttered a second later.

"Kakashi-sensei wouldn't wanna stand right there for lunch, would he?" Naruto wondered aloud.

"Shut up. I wasn't speaking to _you_, fre-_fool_."

Hinata turned herself around on her grassy seat. Yes, Sasuke had changed what he was going to say at the last second. Well, that was good, Hinata thought, starting another fight would be pointless.

Naruto eyed the other boy suspiciously, having caught the word change himself…but then he shrugged and replied, "Sasuke-teme is _now_."

"And I hate every second of it," Sasuke retorted.

Naruto snorted, not looking especially thrilled himself.

"Sasuke-teme is no fun either," Naruto said, "Why's Sasuke-teme such a stupid bastard anyway? Nobody here did nothing to you."

"I don't want nor need people like you around, ruining my training," Sasuke said, warming up to the conversation despite his lack of interest.

"Stupid Sasuke-teme!" Naruto growled.

The blonde boy squirmed madly, clearly trying to get free and punch Sasuke again. Unfortunately, the most Naruto could do was kick his feet wildly, which did nothing more than make Sasuke smirk with amusement. At this rate, Hinata realized, they were going to waste the entire break arguing and baiting each other – probably the entire day, if they were given the chance.

"This is so pointless," Hinata thought in resignation.

The sudden lack of noise and the surprised looks Naruto and Sasuke were aiming Hinata's way slowly informed the girl that she had accidentally let that thought slip out verbally, and her face heated up again.

…

"…Hinata-san?" Naruto asked hesitantly.

Hinata shook her head vigorously, denying saying anything at all, but Sasuke would not be thrown off so easily.

"What is so pointless?" Sasuke asked, "Trying to become shinobi is pointless to you, is that it?"

"Only pointless if it never happens," Naruto threw out unexpectedly.

"I'm not talking to you, idiot. Now shut the hell up."

"Come over here and say that, Sasuke-teme!"

"This just _proves_ what an idiot you are. …Can you figure that out on your own or do I need to explain everything in small words so that your tiny brain can understand it?"

Sasuke was still having some trouble believing he was stuck taking this idiotic test with these idiotic people. His face was a throbbing knot where Naruto had punched him, and right now, he was talking more loudly and angrily than he had in years.

Ever since…Sasuke killed that train of thought before it got any further and reached for something else to focus on. Oh, yes.

"You still haven't answered my question," Sasuke told Hinata, who seemed to be trying to blush and go pale at the same time, for interesting results, "_What_ is so pointless?"

Hinata went stiff. Her hands were clenched into tight fists, as she seemed to almost be debating what to say. Naruto, of course, couldn't wait to open his mouth and prove his stupidity.

"Don't make Hinata-san cry!" Naruto barked at him.

"This argument is the thing that's so pointless!"

Hinata seemed more surprised with her own outburst than her audience was, but managed to keep speaking with a startling edge to her voice.

"Because of this argument, none of us are going to pass! The two of you will never get to be shinobi at all! And despite that, you two just keep fighting with each other…"

Hinata trailed off, her eyes obviously tearing up.

…Sasuke felt like he'd been slapped. His face certainly hurt enough for it. But most of all, he felt…he didn't know how to describe it exactly, but it was definitely a weird feeling.

…What _was_ the point of this argument with Naruto?

Sasuke had to find some way of becoming a shinobi, the best of the shinobi. Only the best of the shinobi could figure out who had massacred the Uchiha Clan, and then avenge their deaths. Baiting Naruto wasn't helping Sasuke to that goal…right now; it was doing the exact _opposite_…

"Hinata-san's right."

Sasuke looked at Naruto, startled out of his thoughts. It was impossible to figure out what Naruto was thinking, since the blonde boy was once again affecting his usual blank expression.

"Naruto's sorry for punching you, Sasuke," Naruto said.

That was all they needed to do? Just a simple apology? Sasuke felt like his honor was going deeply unsatisfied, but he wasn't about to argue with anything that helped him towards his goal, no matter how strange or unpleasant it might be.

"…I'm sorry for trying to kill you," Sasuke mumbled – it wasn't as if he wanted the whole world to know he was doing this.

"Nah, Naruto doesn't care about that," Naruto said, "Happens all the time."

'…I am not even going to touch that topic,' Sasuke decided firmly.

"What happens now? Do we wait for Kakashi to come back?" Sasuke asked aloud.

"…Should I…untie you?" Hinata wondered quietly.

"If we break the rules, Kakashi will fail us on the spot," Sasuke said.

"What rule?" Naruto pointed out, "Only rule Naruto heard was '_Don't each lunch 'lessya gotta bell_', nothing 'bout no damn stupid ropes."

Naruto had a point, surprisingly…Hinata still had her weapons on her, and shortly afterwards the two boys were stretching their cramping arms and legs.

"Now what?" Naruto asked.

"We should plan for the second test," Sasuke said, "Who knows what Kakashi will throw at us."

"Besides shuriken?"

Sasuke looked long and hard at Naruto – was that idiot _serious?_ The faintest hint of mischief creeping into Naruto's expression made Sasuke wonder if Naruto was just getting a kick out of pretending to be stupid. It certainly made no sense to Sasuke…

Their stomachs rumbled in unison again. Sasuke groaned – this was going to be _impossible_, was Kakashi trying to fail them on purpose?

"We can't do this without food," Sasuke muttered, eyeing their packs in annoyance.

'…He's probably got them booby-trapped,' he thought with a mental groan.

"So? Then we'll get food!" Naruto declared.

"…You mean…we should forage for food?" Hinata tentatively asked.

Naruto shook his head.

"Not when perfectly good lunch is right _there_," the blonde said, jabbing a thumb at the packs, "And Naruto's got a good idea…"

…  
…


	9. Ninth Chapter

And so, after much toil and writer's block (damn you block of evil!), the next chapter of AlfnB is ready for you lot to see!

Unfortunately, I suffer from recurring bouts of the worst type of writer's block in existance - the '_**I can't get there from here**_' block. Don't tell me you've never heard of it! It's when you have a great scene written out, and have a great scene to go next, and you can't figure out what the heck should go in between to connect them into one coherent story.

Thankfully, I have defeated it...for now, anyway.

And in answer to all the questions about Naruto speaking in the third person: he does so for a very good reason. This reason is derived from the fact that he's spent his life being tormented and ignored by almost every other human being he's ever seen. That's all I plan to say on the subject right now.

Fic is down there, people!

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Naruto

**Claimer**: THIS version of Naruto is mine!

* * *

…  
… 

'_Here's_ an unexpected twist.'

Kakashi had watched the whole thing from his hiding place. The Jounin had wondered if the boys would figure out how to free themselves with their shuriken and kunai mysteriously vanishing into Kakashi's pockets. He had even entertained the notion that Hinata, pressured by a fellow squad member, would free at least one of them – it was obvious that the other two easily intimidated the girl, anyway.

Instead, they seemed to have made peace over the fight, at least for now. This group certainly had some interesting dynamics going on…

'This _may_ be a sign of real promise,' Kakashi decided as he shaped the seals for his next move.

For the sake of interest, Kakashi had refrained from peeking at the kids after they began plotting whatever it was they were going to do now. Of course, the three of them still were idiots and none of them was going to pass at this rate, but it would be very amusing to see what they would come up with now that they had figured out the very basics of working together…

…

Kakashi appeared behind the posts. That was their signal to begin. The Jounin barely had enough time to take in the area, which seemed devoid of any inhabitants, before the first traps went off.

Between the three of them, they hadn't had much in the way of sharp objects to arm the traps with, but hard, muddy objects worked just as well sometimes. As there was a river not too far away, ammunition was cheap and plentiful, leaving more of their regular shinobi equipment for use in the next part.

Kakashi avoided the mud balls and rocks with dexterous ease, along with a judicious use of Kawarimi. It seemed as if they had covered every speck of open ground with traps, though, since the barrage did not cease even after long minutes of dodging.

'Huh…the little brats are trying to wear me out,' Kakashi realized before too much longer, 'Good thinking, albeit poor execution.'

Utilizing some of the kunai he had liberated from Sasuke and Naruto, Kakashi took aim and severed the ropes of every trap he had detected. Just as Kakashi had thought, once he finished cutting the traps, the barrage immediately ceased.

'Now, what's next?' Kakashi thought wryly, 'I suppose I could go look for them…_or_…'

Kakashi pulled out _Icha Icha_, flipped open the pages, and waited. He wasn't left waiting long.

With a hoarse battle cry, a group of Narutos burst out of the undergrowth to his left. From the right leapt a group of Sasukes. Since Sasuke didn't know Kage Bunshin, and there hadn't been enough time to learn it from Naruto even if the proud Uchiha brat would deign to allow the resident demon-boy to teach _him_ jutsu, the multiple Sasukes were most assuredly regular Bunshin.

Sighing loudly, Kakashi tucked his book away again and turned to face the onrushing would-be genin. The group had gotten the basics of cooperation down after all – the _bare_ basics, but improvement was improvement, and that counted for something, right? Maybe he _would_ send all three of them back to the Academy, instead of just Hinata…

Some of the Narutos and Sasukes charged him head-on; the others moved to circle behind him in an attempt to cut off any route for escape. Kakashi moved in a blur, and the Kage Bunshin that attempted to pin him down were tossed aside easily. Sasuke's Bunshin hung back, their creator obviously recognizing that normal doppelgangers had no way of grappling with the enemy.

"This is very pointless," Kakashi made a point of announcing once the sight of Narutos exploding into little clouds got tedious, "This only shows me what a good decision I made in failing you three early - "

Kakashi lost his train of thought when something unexpected happened. The Sasuke clones charged forward in unison, joining the Narutos in trying to pin the Jounin down head-on. He wondered if Sasuke had lost his temper again – it was a distinct possibility – but the first Sasuke clone he dispelled exploded with a Kage Bunshin's characteristic _bamph_, instead of the less obvious sound that a regular Bunshin would produce.

Resisting the urge to push his hitai-ate out of the way, Kakashi kicked a Sasuke clone into another Sasuke clone – and the second clone had snuck up on him out of nowhere. How had that happened, anyway? The reaction of the clones hitting each other was slower this time, giving Kakashi a very clear view of a very weird sight.

The first Sasuke vanished in a poof of smoke, revealing a Naruto clone, which _bamphed_ immediately after.

The second Sasuke also vanished in a poof of smoke, but instead of turning into Naruto, _this_ Sasuke turned into _Hinata_.

Instead of _bamphing_, Hinata simply fell to her knees. So this was the real Hinata…, which meant that she had been using Henge…, but the Kage Bunshin were _also_ using Henge?

Enough was enough.

Kakashi reached up and tugged at his hitai-ate, determined to wrap this test up with no further delay. And once he got through with these kids, Kakashi decided, he was going to give their dossiers a _serious_ going-over – someone had clearly fouled up if this wasn't so much as _hinted_ at –

As if sensing that the Jounin was going for a trump card, all the Narutos and Sasuke leapt for Kakashi. He barely had enough time to uncover the slightest part of his left eye before he had to defend himself. Unfortunately, the slightest portion was all that Kakashi actually needed to identify which of the clones were actually clones and which were really Naruto and Sasuke.

A few yelps, groans, and many thuds and _bamphs_ later, Sasuke and Naruto were sprawled on the grass not far from Hinata was slowly regaining her feet. Kakashi surreptitiously readjusted his hitai-ate before giving the three a long, level look.

…

"So, gentlemen," Kakashi's bored voice slowly drawled, "Was there a _point_ to that little exercise?"

Sasuke grimaced, brushing himself off as he pushed himself back to his feet. Damn it all and they'd almost succeeded, even! Why had he ever thought Naruto's foolish plan would work?

The air seemed loaded with tension as the Jounin stood before the three Academy graduates, ready to pass the final sentence that would forever severe Sasuke with his all-important goal. What was he supposed to do to find the truth and avenge the clan _now?_

A quiet jingle of sound cut the air like a knife. Sasuke could feel his eyes widen – he'd heard that sound before, but this time it had come from _behind_ him -!

Whirling around, Sasuke discovered the source of the noise and _stared_. Off to the side, Naruto's unexpressive face was starting to show that weird almost-mischievous edge again.

Hinata froze, already blushing bright red with embarrassment at her lack of silence. The pair of bells she had just plucked out of the grass gave another soft jingle as her hand shook.

Without even thinking, Sasuke lunged forward, reaching for the bells. Those bells were his salvation – he could pass after all, his goal was still in reach –

Naruto's hand clamped down on top of Sasuke's, Hinata's, and the bells altogether. Sasuke grit his teeth, noting Hinata's wince from the corner of his eye. It felt like Naruto was trying to break his fingers – didn't that idiot understand how to even hold on to someone properly?

"So, you got to the bells after all," Kakashi said after observing this for a moment, "Now what happens?"

"Now it's time for lunch," Naruto declared cheekily.

"Is that so?"

The Jounin's visible eyebrow rose as he spoke. Naruto nodded.

"Kakashi-sensei said nobody gets lunch with no bells. We get bells, so we get lunch! Then Hinata-san and Naruto and Sasuke will kick Kakashi-sensei's stupid test's stupid ass and all be genin!"

'…We _all_ get lunch? But there's only two bells,' Sasuke thought.

Hinata's eyes went suddenly wide.

"T-That's right!" Hinata blurted.

Her fading blush returning tenfold, Hinata hesitantly added, "The rules said that…that we needed the bells…ano… the rules didn't say…didn't say we couldn't…we couldn't _share_ the bells…"

Realization smacked Sasuke in the side of the face harder than Naruto's fist.

…

The three of them were watching Kakashi warily, eyeing their sensei with caution as he digested their response to his test. They were worried – and why shouldn't they be worried? They were arguing with a strange, dangerous Jounin who had already technically failed them.

They simply had no way of knowing that said Jounin was using iron self-control to keep from doubling over in laughter.

'I don't believe it,' Kakashi thought, a strange kind of mirth bubbling up inside him, 'The most _dysfunctional_ team of the most _screwed-up_ children this village has produced in over a decade…and they're the only ones that figure it out?'

"You said we couldn't break the rules, but you never said we couldn't go around them if we needed to," Sasuke spoke up, his face screwed up in concentration.

The young Uchiha looked like he was thinking this up on the spot – a sign of a definite mental breakthrough.

"You also said…that we were being tested in three-man groups for a reason," the dark-haired prodigy continued, "It's because we need to work in groups as shinobi, isn't it?"

"Are you asking me or telling me?" Kakashi said.

Then, since he really _was_ biting his tongue to keep from laughing, Kakashi made his final decision.

"Shinobi _do_ work in units, and that is a major part of this test – seeing whether you have the ability to set individual differences aside for the good of the mission, whatever it may be," Kakashi said.

"That, however, is _not_ the full meaning behind this test."

Kakashi turned his head toward the stone monument at the edge of the clearing. He'd been dutifully ignoring it for the sake of running this team through the gauntlet.

"You saw that stone, and the names engraved on it, didn't you?"

When he got several affirming mumbles, Kakashi continued, "The shinobi on that monument are heroes of this village. They bravely gave their lives to protect their comrades and the people of Konoha."

…This wasn't the time for remembering that.

"If you learn nothing else, remember this," Kakashi said sternly as he turned back to face the threesome, "In the world of shinobi, those who break the rules are considered to be lower than trash. However, those who fail their comrades are even lower than that."

Three solemn faces stared back at him.

"Oh, and before I forget," Kakashi added, "You guys pass."

…

There was a LONG pause. Naruto broke it.

"_EH?_"

"I said," Kakashi said, beaming a wide smile at them (which was slightly more terrifying as they couldn't see it), "You guys pass. All three of you."

"But – we didn't do anything!" Sasuke protested.

"You three are the first ones to even scratch the _surface_ on figuring out the point of my little test," Kakashi pointed out agreeably, giving Hinata a little wink as he spoke.

Hinata ducked her head, while Kakashi continued, "So, members of testing squad seven…welcome to Genin Team Seven! We start missions and training bright and early tomorrow, so don't sleep in!"

Naruto threw his free hand in the air and gave a whoop of joy. Hinata was even giggling. Only Sasuke was his usually stoic self, but that was because he was busy contemplating the idea of training with these three people full-time and found it unbelievably distressing.

'Calm down,' Sasuke told himself, 'How bad could it be, really?'

…  
…


	10. Tenth Chapter

Sorry for the...um, incredibly damn way-too-long wait between my posting of the last chapter and this one.

I actually have a good reason why I've been AWOL, though! I brilliantly-yet-stupidly gave myself a huge courseload in the fall semester, and the stress of that killed my ability to write anything until winter break. During winter break I was able to get back to work, and had about half of this chapter finished. I was planning an update before New Years.

**Then** I got _Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ for Christmas, and, well, everyone with any knowledge of Zelda games whatsoever knows **exactly** why I'm updating in mid-January instead.

And I doubt I'll update very soon again: the next college semester is about to start...

(_sigh_)

-

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto

Claimer: I own THIS version of Naruto, oh yes I do!

* * *

…  
… 

It turned out to be fairly bad – especially if the D-ranked missions they gave to Genin, such as sorting junk, finding lost pets, and wading knee-deep in mud to pull weeds weren't really your thing.

Sasuke was making vows to never be optimistic about anything ever again. If it ended up like this, clearly optimism was very dangerous to one's personal comfort and safety.

Naruto was doing his best not to complain: in a weird way, this stuff was almost kind of fun! It remained semi-entertaining even though the bugs from the second mission or so seemed to think he was a gourmet dinner and had been following him hither and yon ever since.

Whether or not Hinata was enjoying being on a Genin team was a well-guarded secret, even from herself. On the plus side, her natural invisibility was so perfected that most of the trouble on their missions – for example, the bugs stalking Naruto – seemed never to not notice when she was there.

During Team 7's missions, Kakashi could reliably be found sitting in a perch, usually a nearby tree or rooftop, from where he would monitor the progress of his Genin.

Unfortunately, Kakashi's version of 'monitoring' someone primarily involved ignoring him or her completely under all circumstances. This prevented Kakashi from being distracted from reading _Icha Icha_ and giggling at regular intervals.

When they weren't doing their missions (or wondering why the people of Konoha wanted ninja to shop for their groceries), Team 7 was engaged in what Kakashi considered training. As with the missions, the Jounin did not seem to consider his presence a requirement.

"They say that the best way to learn is to teach," Kakashi had gleefully informed them, "And that's why you three will be training _each other_ from now on!"

Kakashi's _brilliant_ scheme was to have the three of them train only together, working as a team, from now on. It was supposed to improve their teamwork as well as their individual skills. Kakashi seemed to think he had discovered an ingenious breakthrough in shinobi training with his little plan.

Naruto, Sasuke, and Hinata used most of the first allotted session to question their instructor's sanity.

In actuality, Sasuke did most of the verbal complaining. Hinata sat nervously and watched, while Naruto nodded whenever Sasuke made a good point. Sasuke's non-shinobi vocabulary was limited, however, so once the dark-haired prodigy finished a particularly lengthy exposition on why this was the stupidest idea in the idiot history of stupid ideas, the team decided to try and actually train.

Some problems became immediately evident.

…

Sasuke, who had unofficially appointed himself the head of Team 7's training (in the total absence of Kakashi) thought that as far as things went, their team could have done far worse than have Hinata for a kunoichi.

The other so-called kunoichi from their graduating class had spent more time and money on ornaments and makeup than on anything practical – or relating towards shinobi training. Half of them couldn't fight worth a damn.

Hinata had joined the Academy _after_ receiving training in the prodigious taijutsu/ninjutsu style passed down the Hyuuga clan lines. To an eye trained to identify possible competition (you had to fight the strong to get stronger, not the weak), Hinata moved in a way that suggested that she knew what she was doing.

The problem was that Hinata couldn't seem to understand how to apply her fighting skills to actual sparring. On top of that, the girl was so timid that she flinched at the slightest hint of an aggressive movement, even ones that had nothing to do with her. This fearful nature resulted in a consistent stream of pulled punches, hesitant movements, and failed blocks. Sasuke and Naruto knocked Hinata down in less than two minutes into every spar they attempted.

Naruto, however, was just a problem. At least Hinata used a single, coherent fighting style.

Half the time, Naruto fought with a wild pattern of moves borrowed or adapted from almost a dozen different basic styles. That was frustrating enough to work with – the rest of the time, Naruto seemed to be making things up as he went along.

The only thing noteworthy about Naruto's crude agglomeration of taijutsu was that it resulted in it being almost impossible to predict what the blonde fool would do next. This infuriating unpredictability had even won Naruto a spar or two against Sasuke during their training.

Sasuke tried not to hold this against Naruto. Obviously, Sasuke's own skills needed improvement, and until he managed to find some _useful_ training, Sasuke would just have to bear the occasional slip.

What was the most frustrating was having a week of this pass with no sign of improvement for any of them. None of the pathetic chores Team 7 was doing – hardly anything worth being called a "mission" – called on any of the skills the three of them were trying to hone.

…

Kakashi was more than willing to admit that his initial assessment of his new (first and only) genin team had been off the mark. Depressing as the kids seemed at first, they were actually turning out to be quite amusing.

Of course, the part of his assessment that included the word 'idiots' was still accurate. The three of them had taken the fairly simple and obvious idea of 'train yourselves' to mean something like 'pretend you're still in the academy and just use each other for taijutsu practice', a completely unrelated concept.

For a genius, Kakashi had decided on the first day, Sasuke wasn't really too smart. This was the kid who thought he could restore the Uchiha clan to its former (albeit overblown) glory?

As Kakashi watched Sasuke and Naruto attempt to spar in the clearing not far from the tree he was perched in, he noted three separate occasions in a single match that Sasuke _nearly_ reached for ninjutsu. Instead of learning anything remotely useful in real fighting, Sasuke was stopping himself from using ninjutsu because he was trying _not_ to reveal what techniques he knew to his teammates!

Kakashi hadn't known many Uchiha personally, but _none_ of them had _ever_ been shy about showing off what they had learned, including things taken via Sharingan – if the Uchiha hadn't had so much clout, they would have been wiped out by other leaf-nin early on for being so obvious when they kept stealing everyone else's precious techniques.

Naruto and Hinata both stayed firmly in the category 'idiot' because they were both firmly taking their lead from Sasuke and not being creative either.

Well, Naruto was managing to be strangely creative, even limited to taijutsu: Kakashi watched with unconcealed delight as the fox-brat sent the Uchiha-brat tumbling head-over-ass with a _definitely_ unorthodox move.

Hinata was trained in Jyuken, which was ninjutsu in its own right. Unfortunately, Hinata had so little faith in her own abilities that made her turns at the sparring deal an absolute joke. This, of course, did nothing to make the girl try any harder and so she had no improvement.

Standing calmly on the underside of the tree branch where he was watching his three genin, Kakashi cast his mind about for something that would break this self-defeating cycle his kids seemed happily stuck in.

'What these kids really need is a really good hard knock to the head,' Kakashi thought to himself, 'Hmm…I wonder how I can arrange that…'

…

"Ooh, my Tora! My precious widdle kitty-_witty!_ Mummy was so worried about you, yes she was. Oh yes she _was!_"

Tora (the cat) looked distinctly unhappy as his oversized owner squished him, yowling ineffective protests at the top of his little kitty lungs. The scratched, dirty, and generally unhappy genins who had spent the last three _hours_ finding and catching the cat had some sympathy for Tora, but not much.

"Naruto feels kinda sorry for that cat," Naruto announced, once the big cat-lady had managed to jam a struggling, screeching Tora into a cat carrier and left.

Sasuke glared at his teammate. The cat had lead them through every single terrible disgusting place in the woods surrounding Konoha, and Sasuke felt like he was coated in a layer of grime.

Naruto understood what the glare was meant to convey; being on a team with Sasuke had given Naruto a good understanding of how to read _Sasuke-stare-and-grunt_, which was how Sasuke normally communicated with the rest of the world. Naruto grinned right back, using that one grin that he knew made him look a bit crazy since he also knew it drove Sasuke nuts. Add in the many scratches on the blonde's face from when Tora the cat had tried very hard to claw Naruto's eyes out, and it looked downright creepy.

"Yeah, Naruto's not THAT sorry."

Hinata stood a step away, fairly scruffy-looking herself, and glumly wondered whether the next errand they were needed to run would wait long enough for the three of them to be cleaned up. The sudden appearance of Kakashi's beaming masked face was therefore a bit depressing, since it meant that it was time for more work.

Sasuke only shifted his irritated glare towards this new target when their Jounin-sensei appeared, while Naruto groaned loudly.

"Not _another_ stupid thing," Naruto protested.

"I'm glad to see you too," Kakashi replied, sounding utterly delighted at the idea, "I just so happen to have _great_ news for all of you. The client from our last mission was quite delighted with the mission's success…the poor woman keeps losing her cat every time she visits Konoha, you know, and you three managed the fastest time yet for finding it."

Somehow, none of the genin felt very surprised by the cat's incredible escape record. Sasuke gave a pointed look at their sensei's immaculate state – Kakashi had 'monitored' this mission the same way he had every single other one – which the Jounin cheerfully ignored.

"…So?"

"Well, Shijimi-sama _is_ the wife of the Fire Daimyo, and thanks to her praises on your quick rescue of her cat, I _was_ able to get you all a nice, fun C-ranking mission," Kakashi said, "Though if you don't feel like taking it, I'm sure I saw a D-rank involving sweet potatoes back at the mission desk…"

Unsurprisingly, no one wanted to go for the sweet potato mission. And that was why Team Seven was on the road leading away from Konoha the next day, with a sweaty, drunk, and foul-mouthed man named Tazuna in tow.

…  
…


	11. Eleventh Chapter

You guys haven't abandoned me! (Or so I assume)

Here is the next chapter, finally. As of right now, I have no idea whatsoever when the next post will be. But, the pace of action should finally be picking up now, plus my Spring Break is next week (College is finally useful for once!) so really, who knows?

As for the mystery of Naruto's origins...I am not going to do a big 'Naruto's the son of the Yondaime' reveal thing. The father of my version of Naruto is safely anonymous. His _other_ parent, on the other hand...I might do something there...

(No, I'm not going to make him related to Tsunade either. I know what you're thinking!)

Disclaimer: Naruto is not mine

Claimer: This VERSION of Naruto is mine!

* * *

…  
… 

They were supposed to leave Konoha early in the morning. Unsurprisingly, Kakashi showed up at the meeting place late. Considering that this was a C-ranked mission taking them outside of Konoha, it was probably a good sign that the Jounin was only an hour late instead of three. That didn't mean the genin had to like it, and Kakashi was treated to some harsh glaring when he finally strolled into view.

"Yo," Kakashi waved at them, "Sorry to be so late."

"No you're not," Sasuke muttered.

Sasuke hadn't exactly been trying to keep himself from being overheard; still, none of them were in the least surprised when Kakashi nodded in agreement.

"What excuse this time?" Naruto asked, curious despite his annoyance.

Kakashi usually had some kind of weird excuse for being late. They tended to be strange and idiotic. This one was no exception.

"Well, I was up late last night redecorating the Hokage's office for him, so I overslept this morning," Kakashi replied.

There was a pause as Kakashi was stared at by his genin. Wondering if their Jounin-sensei had finally gone off the deep end was becoming a regular part of this morning ritual for them.

"…You were?" Hinata finally asked.

"Nope," Kakashi said, "Ah, and here comes our client now. Good morning, Tazuna-san."

The man Kakashi was addressing was the paunchy, grey-haired man that Team 7 had been introduced to the previous afternoon. The first words out of the man's mouth (once his sake bottle had been removed) had been unpleasant:

"The hell? Why am I supposed to be wasting money on these little runts?"

Now, upon seeing his escort, Tazuna brought his point back up.

"I still can't believe that I'm paying you ninja all this money just so that a pack of bratty little runts can have a _field trip_," Tazuna grumbled, "I came to Konoha in order to hire someone to guard me and protect my life, not to hire kids that I need to change diapers for. This village must have gone way downhill if _this_ is what I'm supposed to make do with!"

During this little verbal assault, Sasuke's expression showed his growing contempt. If not for the fact that this was going to be a real mission, he would have felt some serious temptation to inflict third-degree burns on some sensitive areas of Tazuna's person. Hinata, not entirely used to hearing such words from a complete stranger, stared down at her feet and waited for the man to finish.

Naruto, oddly enough, seemed unaffected by the diatribe. He was staring off into the far distance; hands folded behind his head and face blank.

"I can assure you, Tazuna-san," Kakashi responded calmly, "All three of my students are fully trained shinobi."

"Hmph," Tazuna grunted, "Whatever. Just listen, and listen good. I, Tazuna, am a bridge-builder of world renown! I am going back to my home country in order to build a bridge, and I expect all three of you runts to protect me to the death until it is completed. You got all that?"

With that stirring speech, they were off. As if in consolation, it was a beautiful day for traveling. It hadn't rained in a few days, and it was warm, though not too warm.

None of the genin had ever left Konoha before, and under any other circumstances, this would have been a great experience for all of them. Tazuna ensured that these were not those circumstances. The man would just not stop complaining.

Tazuna complained about the road – he claimed it was too dusty. He also complained about the weather – Tazuna said that it was far too hot, except for the moments when the sun retreated behind a cloud. Then it was too cold and drafty for his tolerance. He complained about how unbearably long it was taking them to travel. Tazuna also demanded frequent rest breaks, complaining about how his aging constitution could hardly handle such a cruel, harsh pace all the while.

After a few hours of this, however, Tazuna seemed to have used up most of his complaints and was finally quiet…well, mostly quiet. He kept demanding rest stops, but since Tazuna was also drinking at an almost astonishing rate, that wasn't really so surprising.

…

Hinata wondered at how Naruto could keep his composure. In between the regular rest breaks - Tazuna-san insisted on them, and no one had tried to argue - the older man had loudly speculated about the skills he expected their team to possess. None of these speculations was highly positive.

Sasuke, obviously infuriated at Tazuna-san's various insinuations against his skills, had taken it upon himself to take point for their group. Unfortunately, being in this position meant that it was impossible for Hinata to miss how Sasuke's shoulders made a violent twitch with every comment Tazuna-san threw at his back.

Hinata herself was just behind and to the side of Tazuna-san. She should have been walking directly alongside Tazuna-san – that was how this formation was supposed to go – but when she had tried doing so earlier, Tazuna-san had wondered why '_they even bothered_ trying _to train such frail little girls_' which it was '_obvious that they weren't good for anything, let alone being ninja_'.

This ran a little too close to some things that Hinata herself had wondered about, causing her to drop back to her current position. As miserable as she already was, Hinata did not fancy herself a glutton for punishment; thankfully, as soon as she was out of his immediate sight, Tazuna-san had stopped taking any notice of her.

Truly, the only one on their team that Tazuna-san wasn't complaining about was Kakashi-sensei. Kakashi-sensei was trailing directly behind Tazuna-san, reading his book and saying nothing. Either Tazuna-san thought it unwise to poke fun at a high-ranking shinobi, or perhaps the older man had simply forgotten that Kakashi-sensei was even there.

Tazuna-san had definitely not forgotten Naruto. When he wasn't speculating on Naruto's shinobi skills – or rather, the apparently obvious lack thereof – Tazuna was questioning Naruto's health, his mental status, and eyesight. Tazuna seemed to believe that Naruto was colorblind, because in Tazuna's mind, that was the only reason anyone in their right mind would even go in arm's reach of such a '_disturbing and hideous jumpsuit_'.

In fact, the only thing Tazuna wasn't loudly wondering about Naruto was his gender. Sasuke, on the other hand, started twitching twice as violently when Tazuna began referring to him as a '_pretty little girly brat_'.

At this rate, Sasuke might need restraining before he did something rash. What was Kakashi-sensei expecting them to learn from this? Their sensei, odd as he was, liked to turn everything into a lesson – usually by explaining where and how they had screwed up afterwards in _excruciating_ detail – but what could this be about?

When Tazuna took his next rest break, Hinata found herself standing next to Naruto. His face was just as impassive now as it had been when they had left the village, but he didn't seem to mind it when Hinata tentatively offered her idea that Kakashi-sensei was trying to get them to learn something from this experience.

"Naruto sure knows what Sasuke's gotta learn," Naruto said, a mischievous expression flitting across his features, "Either Sasuke needs to not listen to those stupid things or else he's just gotta stop being so pretty."

There was a faint choking sound from Sasuke's direction at this last part. Naruto ignored it, raising a finger and waving it at Hinata in fashion that somehow reminded her of Iruka-sensei.

"Hinata-san, Hinata-san needs to learn something important too! Hinata-san is smart; she can figure it out easy!"

"…I can?"

Hinata wondered at Naruto's confidence in her, but her teammate nodded.

"Yes! Hinata-san is smart! That's why she is a very good shinobi! So Hinata-san shouldn't let some stinky guy tell her otherwise!"

Much to her embarrassment, Hinata felt her face heat up. Naruto really thought that? Hinata knew her face must look awful, turning bright red like that. She turned away, hoping that her blush hadn't offended Naruto. That would be terrible, especially right after he'd said such a nice thing as well!

…

Well, it was hard to help that they were little idiots.

Kakashi felt something like fond amusement as he watched the interplay. Sasuke was, of course, standing to the side and ignoring everything. Hinata was staring down at the ground, fingers twisting together nervously and face red. She was completely oblivious to the very perplexed look Naruto was giving her from behind.

Even if they were little idiots, they were _his_ little idiots. At least, they would be his little idiots until he got them up to Jounin level and cut them loose to terrorize a new generation of genin.

…Of course, Kakashi sighed to himself, first he'd have to get them through this mission. Even if it was _technically_ a C-rank…Kakashi had snapped this one up the second he'd gotten a good look at Tazuna.

Well, a good, violent shock might be _just_ what his three little idiots needed to get some real progress going…

…  
…


End file.
